December 2018

🎧 The Bullet Journal Method by Ryder Carroll 
🎧 Inside the O’Briens by Lisa Genova

November 2018

Brooklyn by Colm Toibin
Is God Anti-Gay? by Sam Allberry
Waking the Dead by John Eldridge
How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Smarter Faster Better by Charles Duhigg

Favorite Quotes:

How We Love


"Anger may be the only emotion you feel safe to express because it is."

"..so marriage has to be a safe place to show emotions, especially the ones you were discouraged from showing as a child."

"Have you ever noticed how hard it is to have an emotional connection when no emotions are apparent?"


"INFP, the most sensitive, idealistic, insightful, and conflicted of all the types..."

11.18.2018 🎧 Brooklyn by Colm Toibin

Eilis is described as "hesitant and slow" (as a customer shopping).
She seems to usually feel like others know what to do and she doesn't.
She pretends to be sick to miss a dance.

In a sense, she's doing exciting things and making new connections and learning a lot. In another sense, she's just letting life happen to her, doing what she must, and not sparing a thought for more. I've come to see her as a wonderful example of an unhealthy enneagram 9.

Here are a couple more quotes I pulled out. I notice now that all of them are 9ish things to which I relate.

"For each day, she thought, she needed a whole other day to contemplate what had happened and store it away, get it out of her system, so that it did not keep her awake at night, or fill her dreams with flashes of what had actually happened, and other flashes that had nothing to do with anything familiar, but were full of rushes of color, or crowds of people, everything frenzied and fast." 

"She would not try to postpone any further what she had to do, but the prospect of [telling others what she had decided to do] still filled her with fear, enough for her once more to put both ideas out of her mind. She would think about them soon, she thought, but not now."

"But she realized that it would be best to do nothing."

Was there ever a truer summation of my numbed out, void of all intention, tendencies than that second to last on?! Oh, the thought of making anyone else unhappy is just too scary, so "I think I'll just think about that later."

I was really, really  hoping that we would see some growth in her by the end. I mean, even if it had to be the decision between 2 love interests, pick boldly, and pick for yourself! But until the very end, we never knew what she wanted. Did she even know what she wanted? I felt defeated along with her. Such behavior in another is so obvious. Lord, have mercy.

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

“This was an all too familiar social scenario for me: standing alone, staring into the middle distance. It was absolutely fine. It was absolutely normal...I tried so hard, but something about me just didn’t fit. There was, it seemed, no Eleanor-shaped social hole for me to slot into. I wasn’t good at pretending, that was the thing.” For Eleanor, “After what had happened in that burning house, given what went on there, I could see no point in being anything other than truthful with the world. I had, literally, nothing left to lose. But by careful observation from the sidelines, I’d worked out that social success is often built on pretending just a little.” (chapter 71)

“...obviously, in principle and reality, libraries are life-enhancing palaces of wonder.” (chapter 94)

“Social interaction, it appeared, was surprisingly expensive. The travel, clothes, the drinks, the lunches, the gifts…” (Chatper 67).

When the sales clerk tries to persuade Eleanor to buy heels: “Why are these people so incredibly keen on crippling their female customers? I began to wonder if cobblers and chiropractors had established some fiendish cartel.” (67)

“He wasn’t using a knife, but was holding a fork in his right hand like a child or an American.” (61)

October 2018

🎧 P.S., I Still Love You ⭐️⭐️⭐️
🎧 Always and Forever, Lara Jean⭐️⭐️⭐️
🎧 Hillbilly Elegy ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

I'm Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter by Erika Sanchez

When Julia is worried that saying in her college application that her parents are undocumented, fearing it could lead to them getting deported, her teacher says, “Trust me...we’re in Chicago, not Arizona. That doesn’t really happen here. Not like that. No one is going to read your essay and track your parents down.”  (Chapter 13)

I had high hopes for this book. Maybe it was disappointing to me because I expected the Mexican-American narrator to be just a little more...well, likeable. (Yeah, a likeable protagonist is important to me.) The story does portray the life of a daughter of immigrants, and raises many important issues (privilege, the role of religion, sexuality, abortion, freedom vs duty to family). This alone made the book worth reading. I guess I just didn’t really like the way these issues were raised. Julia as a narrator was very one-sided in her depiction of these things. It’s not that I minded her opinion, but that she thought her view was the only sensible, and couldn’t imagine anyone with a brain disagreeing with her. Obviously this is a YA book, and maybe this is just an accurate depiction of the way a teenage narrator thinks? But I would have hoped a book intended for a teenage audience would find a way to inspire appreciation for at least a little bit of nuance!

Similarly, I wanted to appreciate that this book portrays mental illness (depression). But it was very disturbing to me that until late in the story, I could not tell for sure if the character was dealing with depression, or was just being an angsty and self-pitying teenager.

What brought the book up to three stars for me was Julia’s gift for metaphors. I want to read through this and write down all of her “it was like…”s and her “I would rather”s. Here are a few of my favorites:

“It makes me feel like all my insides are being vandalized.”

“Her perfume smells like a dusty flower in summer twilight.”

“I feel like a three-headed alien in my own home.”

“...makes me feel as if something were filling my chest with sarm syrup, as if all my bones were being slowly removed from my body.”

“I would rather poke my eyes out like Oedipus than sit through another episode of that garbage.”

THUG

We bookworms know the book is better...BUT the movie was gooooood. I thought the casting was flawless, each actor gave a magnificent performance, and the scene at the end when Starr finds her voice was even more powerful on the screen. Also, I don't know when I've ever cried so much in public.

Gay Girl, Good God by Jackie Hill Perry

"...many have forgotten that the gospel is about God in the first place. When the Christian life has become a practice in doing everything else but making Jesus known, what will we expect of our gospel presentations? They will naturally result in the telling of something empty and void of power, more moral than anything, insufficient to make men and women believe that they can be saved by and for some other means than Jesus. Getting back to the foundational call of making God the center of our churches, our conversations, our doctrines, and our lives will ensure that he won't be left out of our evangelism. Surely, no man who has made God small in his own life will have the Godward focus to make him big in ministry to others. Christ has simply come to make us right with God. And in making us right with God, he is satisfying us in God. Our sexuality is not our soul. Marriage is not heaven. And singleness is not hell" (Chapter 17).

"God's image was what womanhood was born out of, not the 1950s Polaroids of white women baking cookies while talking loud enough to be heard and quiet enough to not call attention to their intillect. Neither that, nor the pictures of women, jaded and committed to speaking at men like they were negligent children or dogs you don't trust without a leash. The self-proclaimed liberated women was far beyond the picture God cared for me to become. The temple being used rightly was important to Jesus, and I felt as if there was a shared passion for my womanhood. How I moved about the world as a woman mattered to God" (Chapter 11).

The Secret Life of Fat

Candy sales went up during the Great Depression. "With an uncertain future, people were in a state of anxiety which took a toll on will power. This isn't just a convenient anecdote. Studies have shown that a lack of control in our environment chips away at out willpower and our ability to manage stress...if we feel uncertainty in our everyday lives, whether due to a medical test, job offer, or family situation, the lingering doubt depletes our willpower."

09.26.2018 The Rock that is Higher by Madeleine L'Engle

"One of the major discoveries of the post-Newtonian sciences is that objectivity is, in fact, impossible. To look at something is to change it and to be changed by it" (94).

[The Zen story in which a monk carries a girl across a river, and then a young monk questions the appropriateness of this act for a celibate monk.]
"How easy it is for us to project our own weaknesses onto other people.
"I was once criticized for telling this story because it is a Buddhist story and therefore had to contradict Christianity. But does it? Should we not learn from each other?" (95).

"I wish the church would be brave enough to acknowledge that there are questions to which, during our mortal lives, we have no answers. Too many answers lead to judgmentalism and to human beings (rather than God) deciding who can and cannot go to heaven" (97).

"The storyteller is a storyteller because the storyteller cares about truth, searching for truth, expressing truth, sharing truth" (103).

"And Henry James: 'Our task is to render, not report.' Show; do not tell. Thus, in fiction the verbs are active, not passive; 'did,' not 'was.' 'She lost her balance,' not 'Her balance was lost.' The great writer does not tell us what ought to be done, or what we think. The true writer shows what is done, avoiding author's comment. The storyteller doesn't talk about the story, but shows it, immediately locating the characters in time and space. [Example: the beginning of Anna Karenina.]" (104).

"Our Father which art in heaven. And where is heaven? It too is a word which has been abused. The good go to heaven and the bad go to hell. But who are the good and who are the bad? Only God knows that, and when we try to make such judgments we invariably blunder" (142).

"[The workmen outside my window] were certainly using the Lord's name in vain, but it was not a deliberate vanity. 'It's just their paucity of vocabulary,' I said. Such casual, careless language is not good, but it is far less evil than deliberate cursing, consigning someone to hell, rather than leaving that judgment to God" (143). Am I the only one who thinks that L'Engle is herself making a judgment here? This is bad but not as bad as this. All of this talk is outside orthodox Christianity, which states that the only right any of us have to get into heaven is to claim the righteousness of Christ, for all our righteousness is like a filthy rag, and every sin makes us guilty as a law-breaker.

"Today one of the temptations is to feel that we must be either politically correct, social activits, or that we must be withdrawn from the world in order to pray. Why should these two be exclusive? Won't our action more likely be God's will if we have prayed about it first? Won't we be more likely to correct some of the terrible social inequalities with which we are surrounded if we ask ourselves what Jesus would have done, and how? Don't we need to withdraw from the world for a while to ask God what we should do?" (153).

"Getting literal about the mighty acts of God in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ leads to dead ends.
"...But because Jesus Christ was wholly God as well as wholly human, he rose form the grave, to the astonishment not only of the Roman overlords and the powerful Jews in the Sanhedrin, but to the astonishment of all those who had been with him during his earthly life. The Resurrection, too, is beyond the realm of fact (Do you believe in the literal fact of the Resurrection? No! I believe in the Resurrection!) and bursts into the realm of love, of truth, for in Jesus, truth and love are one and the same" (174). So why can't we believe in the literal fact of the Resurrection AND in the Resurrection ["beyone the realm of provable fact and into the realm of mystery and marvel" (175)]? False dichotomy, I say.

"One of the many things the Bible stories have taught me is that God loves me, just as I am. I don't have to struggle for some kind of moral perfection impossible to attain. It is the biblical protagonists who, like us, far from perfect, show us how to be truly human. I don't believe God deliberately made me with one leg considerably longer than the other, but that is how I am, and I am loved that way resultant clumsiness and all" (175).

"What upsets me most, I think is that the anti-communists were against communism, rather than for democracy. And the Anti-New Agers are against the New Age rather than for Christ. It's being against rather than for the frame of mind which produces terrorism?....As I read the Gospels, one of the strongest messages is for; for love, for warmth of heart, for that love which dissolves hate and coldness of heart. When our religion brings hate to our hearts, it becomes terrorism, not religion" (186).

"The way we handle our little griefs, the petty irritations of daily living, is an indication of the way we're going to handle the larger griefs" (193).

"Fulfill yourself, that's what the world says is important."
"But the people I know, in literature and in life, whose chief concern is fulfilling themselves, are always empty" (202).

"I can't explain how these gifts come to me--at least not in the language of provable fact, but that is the language of human control, not the language of faith. And acceptace of the wonder of such gifts helps me to understand what Ezekiel is saying, or Daniel, or Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John! I read their stories with sublime wonder, with rapturous joy, acknowledging that reality cannot be organized by us human creatures. It can only be lived" (214).

"Story helps us understand our humanness and our mortality. All grief is mourning over death--the death of a friendship, of a hope, of a career, of a marriage, of a love. If we try to circumvent the right and proper period of mourning, or repress it, then it will fester within us, and hurt both us and everybody we come in contact with" (267).

"With the discovery of antibiotics we have saved a lot of lives, but we have also come to think of death as unnecessary. We no longer have a mandated or permissible period of mourning. Though it is futile to assign a timetable for grief, it is eased if it is expressed" (270).

 "Only discipline and obedience to the strict law of love allow us to be free" (273).

To All the Boys I've Loved Before

"There's nothing cozier than a Christmas tree all lit up."

"I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be brave. I want life to start happening. I want to fall in love, and I want a boy to fall in love with me back!"

"I think Grandma's right: it's not good to be alone." (of course, this seems to mean it's not good to be single, or at least not in love or heartsick)

"Sometimes you just feel sad and you can't explain it."

Searching for Spring by Christine Hoover

"This is the work of the Christian, to say without equivocation, ' As the clay, I am the thing being shaped, and I certainly don't now more than the providential Potter.'....Certainly, we must wrestle our hearts into rest, but in continually wrestling without finally resting--and God will give you this option, waiting patiently by--we will ask why for our entire lives. In resting, we don't escape suffering, grief, or inconsolable things but we stand in a hope that a greater story is unfolding and, in seeing the story arc, we're able to see our own lives in sharper focus, through a lens of beauty" (92).

"The Spirit-led aren't trying to change the world so much as they are trying to allow God to change them in a way that spills over like a song into the world" (107).

"We must think in order to be thankful. And we must be thankful in order to experience joy. The greatest tragedies of our age are our constant motion, our overscheduled lives, and our obsessive attachment to our screens. We tend to believe we'll be robbed of happiness if we fail to match the world's pace step for step when in fact this pace robs us of the simplicity that displays beauty, which in turn leads to thanksgiving and, after thanksgiving, joy. If busyness mutes beauty, what mutes busyness? Beauty, of course. Paying attention to small gifts of everyday life helps us see and savor and, in turn, makes our distracted, numb hearts beat with thankfulness. Thankfulness will lead to joy, because when we're still, God himself will whisper it into our hearts" (171). 

"God is not often found in our excessive busyness" (172).


"I read somewhere that when you do something that feels like worship, you've found your calling" (189).

"Although my life was characterized for years by self-condemnation and self-flagellation, I didn't realize how much I needed this grace. I didn't want to look at the reality of my life nor the reality of this world. It took me so long to see, and when I finally did, I saw darkness all around for perhaps the first time. This is, in fact, not morbid but rather a key component to understanding the gospel and, as a result, creating as a Christian. Our Christian kitsch betrays our preference for turning blind eyes to the reality of sin, darkness, and hopelessness in this world. We throw verses around like Band-Aids. We wrap up suffering in neat little bows as if the thirty minutes in the sitcom are almost up. We require that our songs consist of overtly Christian words and major cords. We have no patience for mystery, for nuance, for poignancy. We must not be afraid to look, really look, at the realities of life. We must not convey that the inconsolable things don't exist. We of all people should be able to do so, because we know the extent of grace, we know the power of the Holy Spirit to transform hearts, we know a hope that holds like an anchor" (193).

The Nightingale by Kristen Hannah

"He loves a version of me that is incomplete. I always thought it was what I wanted, to be loved an admired. Now I think perhaps, I'd like to be known" (Chapter 1).

"A girl leading pilots across the Pyrenees? Will wonders never cease?"

"She wanted to kill him. She wanted to kill herself. What would Antoine think of her now? Truthfully, the biggest part of her wanted to curl up in a ball in some dark corner and never show her face again. But even that, shame, was a luxury these days. How could she worry about herself, when Isabel was in prison?" (Chapter 34).

"'Why have I never heard anything about all this? And not just from you. Sophie never said a word. Hell, I didn't even know that people escaped over the mountains or that there was a concentration camp just for women who resisted the Nazis.'
"'Men tell stories,' I say. It is the truest, simplist answer to his question. 'Women get on with it. For us, it was a shadow war. There were no parades for us when it was over, no medals or mentions in history books. We did what we had to during the war. And when it was over, we picked up the pieces and started over.'" (Chapter 39).

And So To Bed by Adrian Reynolds

“...there may be medical (or physical or mental) or environmental reasons why sleep is hard to come by. 
But, I don’t think sleep is at any time less than a spiritual issue. Let me explain. Our beings cannot easily
 be separated into physical and spiritual elements. We are whole beings. Even very straightforward 
physical ailments hae spiritual elements and significance to them. For example, let’s say I broke my arm
 badly....Now, that was a purely physical issue, wasn’t it? My arm was broken in several places, my wrist 
was damaged and it just needed time and good medical care to sort out. Right. Well, sort of right. 
There’s no indication that there was anything deeply spiritual doing on behind the injury...However,
 here’s the thing: how I reacted to the injury was a spiritual issue: how I dealt with the disappointment of 
a promising tennis career...how I coped with the worry of falling behind in school because I couldn't write;
 how I kept my spirits up and my Christian joy intact; how I would serve in church playing the piano with 
only one hand...the list goes on and on. It was a physical issue which needed medical treatment and
 resolution. But it would be naive to say that it had no spiritual resolution...So, there may well be
 medical reasons for your struggle with sleep. These may be very complex and difficult mental health
 issues, for example, that take a lot of sorting. However, there will still be spiritual elements ot address.” 
(69-71).

I loved this little book. I wish it had been longer, but it’s a great start to discuss a long-neglected subject.
 I had never thought about sleep from a spiritual perspective, and I’m so glad this book helped me start. 
My favorite part was the work Reynolds did elucidating the dynamics between the physical and spiritual.

“I don’t think sleep is at any time less than a spiritual issue.” He goes on to explain that we are whole
 people, and cannot be easily separated into the physical, spiritual, emotional, etc. Then he gives the 
example of breaking an arm and how that is indeed a physical issue, and the odds of it being caused 
by some deep spiritual issue are very small. “However, how I reacted to the injury WAS a spiritual issue.” 
How he reacted to all the ways this affected his life (unable to pursue a tennis career, falling behind in
 school due to inability to write, unable to play the piano in church, etc). What is clear to see in this 
example is also true of sleep: there may be medical / physical / environmental issues that need
 addressing, but there will also be spiritual elements that shouldn’t go neglected.

I don’t think I ever understood this concept before, but it definitely applies to a myriad of life’s issues.

I also learned about sleep as a metaphor for death for the believer, something clearly Biblical...but 
somehow previously missed by me! So, thank you Reynolds!

Today Will Be Different by Maria Semple

Thoughts...

I learned, "Smell the soup, cool the soup" breathing technique from this book.

I loved the definition of art that Spencer and Eleanor explain to Timby: "...this is art, daring to put a frame around something, signing your name, and letting it speak for itself" (95).

I loved the satire. That is Semple's strength, without a doubt. The Costco satire was the best. "A wave of misanthropy swept over me. Why did that lady need a whole drum of Red Vines? What would someone even do with a hundred combs? Did that fatso really need a laminator all to herself? Couldn't she just go to Kinko's? Or that guy, what was he doing with six gallon jugs of generic scotch? And why must they all wear shorts? Thank God I wasn't one of them! Me with my case of highly rated New Zealand sauvignon blanc, my pound of fresh pineapple spears, my salt-and-pepper pistachios, my twelve-pack of dental floss. My items painted a clear picture of my sophistication...my superior taste...my sparkling intelligence" (110).

Obviously this book was relatable as it portrayed how anxiety-inducing and overwhelming an upper-middle-class modern life can be. And it's funny. The satire was funny too, and I think we were supposed to see a lot of hypocrisy there, but the truth is--Eleanor wasn't a very sympathetic character for me. By the end, she seemed needlessly hysterical (even considering the head injury). The plot didn't help her much, in my opinion, as I was unclear as to what the true "main" issue of the story was--her relationship with sister? her marriage? a general sense of overwhelm?--and the resolutions of all the little parts seemed less than satisfying.

Some good questions were raised. I thought a lot about humor, first-world problems, hypocrisy, marriage, and family while reading this book. I thought a lot about women being seen as hysterical, being hysterical, and how much of each is okay.

Cultivate by Lara Casey

"Staying isn't bad. Waiting can be fruitful. But sometimes we stay where we are because of fear, don't we?" (5).

"I discovered that doubts are doorways. When we lean into our doubts, seeking truth where we feel restless and unsure, God leads us to greater faith, and sometimes to unexpected new paths" (9).

"Farmers take a leap of faith each growing season, trusting that what they plant will actually grow. They plant seeds in faith and then believe in what they can't see" (106).

1 Corinthians 3:7: "So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth."

"We want to know every detail of the plan--and to be assured that the outcome will be positive and in our comfort zones--before we begin something, but here's a question for you: Are you planning an intentional life, or are you planting one?" (109).

A Million Little Ways by Emily P. Freeman

"He does not manage us, to-do list us, or bullet-point us. He loves us. And believing him feels impossible, until we do, like a miracle, like lukewarm water turning merlot red right there in the cup. And hope sprouts new, because God doesn't give us a list. He invites us into the story" (17).

"We may be displeased with the ways he wants to reveal his glory through us because they don't look like the ways he reveals his glory through others. We're uncomfortable with the implications and become confused about our own desire" (27).

"We don't have to be so afraid of desire. It's time instead to wake up to it....Your childhood dream delights God. I don't way that because every secret dream will come true. But having a dream is evidence of a person who is fully alive. Having a dream is a reflection of the image of God" (67).

"The truth is, I'm apologizing for the things that aren't sin to avoid acknowledging the things that are" (93).

"The critic points out my weaknesses, but he also forces me to draw a circle around what I believe" (98).

"Can we change out mind about our real goal? Getting in touch with the wart that is alive within you isn't about you making something new. Instead, you have the uniquely human opportunity to re-imagine what already is....The world needs you awake and alive. Does the world need another book? Song? Painted living room? Not necessarily. But the world does need you to come alive right where you are and not where you wish you were" (103).

"Listening to the pain of loss and heartbreak can wake us up to who we are, where we come from, and what matters most. But only if we open ourselves up to them" (112).

Quoting Brene Brown: "There is no such thing as selective emotional numbing. There is a full spectrum of human emotions and when we numb the dark, we numb the light. While i was 'taking the edge off' of the pain and vulnerability, I was also unintentionally dulling my experiences of good feelings, like joy."
"I don't believe we have to have pain to make beautiful art--but when the pain comes, the artist knows she must face it. Grief does deep, sacred work. We have to pay attention to what grieves us and be willing to be fully human, both in what makes come alive and in what has the capacity to shut us down" (117).

"Reject the temptation to believe you need to wait for a new set of life circumstances, a different job, or a new setting. Being who you already are no matter the circumstances of your life is what it means to release the art you were made to live. Respond to God where you are as you are" (126).

"'...why do you still get so nervous?'
Because I'm not cut out for this. And even as I say it, I heard what I can only describe as the Lord whisper, No, you are not cut out. You have been placed in. I really sensed those words, as sure as the way I stumbled an un'd my way through that interview. He reminded me I have been placed into him. Not cut out at all" (137).

"We listened quiet for answers. He offered love instead" (149).

Quoting Michelangelo: "In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it."
..."Seeing the not-yet in the midst of the now is the perspective the artist has to carry. And so we ought to pray not only for skill but for sight" (151).

"The words of Henry Nauwen resonate deeply within me. He writes,
"'Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth that we speak. As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble.'"

"Just because I don't like something about myself doesn't mean it's sin. Sometimes I worry more over those parts than the parts that are sin. Isn't there enough of the sin to worry about without micromanaging the unique aspects of your personality? If who you are is random, then yeah, go on a self-improvement program. But if you think God is in control of the whole thing of you, and he made you on purpose for a reason, and you try to be someone else, who will be you? Some stuff about us, our faults or sin, are change worthy. But I think sometimes I think the things we try to make different, are actually the things that make us different."

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron

"In short, you do not have to take the job that will create excessive stress and over-arousal. Someone else will take it, and flourish in it. You do not have to work long hours. Indeed, it may be your duty to work shorter ones. It may be best not to advertise it, but keeping yourself healthy and in your right range of arousal is the first condition for helping others."

"Stay in good contact with many kinds of other people, at work and elsewhere, accepting that no one person can  relate to all of you. Indeed, accepting the loneliness that goes with giftedness may be the most freeing, empowering step of all. But also accept its opposite, that there's no need to feel isolated, for everyone is gifted in some way. And then there's the opposite truth. Non one, including yourself is special in the sense of being exempted from the universals of ageing and death."

"No matter how introverted, you are a social being. You cannot escape your need and spontaneous desire to connect with others, even if your conflicting urge to protect yourself is very strong."

"Over-arousal is easily displaced onto worries, regrets, anything that is handy."

"Overall, sensitivity can greatly enhance intimate communication. You pick on so much more of the subtle cues, the nuances, the paradoxes and ambivalences, the unconscious processes. You understand that this sort of communication requires patience, you are loyal, conscientious, and appreciative enough of the value of the relationship to be willing to give it the time. The main problem is, as always, over-arousal. In that state we can be extremely insensitive to everything around us, including those we love. We can blame our trait. 'I was just too tired, too overwhelmed.' But it still our duty to do whatever we can to communicate in a helpful way, or let the other know ahead of time, if possible, when we are unable to hold up our end."

"In several studies of married and dating couples, we found that the pairs felt more satisfied with their relationships if they did things together that they defined as exciting, not just pleasant. This seems logical. If you cannot expand any more by incorporating new things about the other into yourself, you can still create an association between the relationship and self-expansion by doing new things together. To an HSP especially, it may seem that life is to stimulating especially, and when you come home you want quiet. But be careful not to make your relationship so soothing that you do not do anything new together. Perhaps to do that, your hours apart have to be less stressful. Or you have to search for what expands you without over-arousing you."

"The doctor shares the culture's bias in mistaking your trait for shyness and introversion, and in viewing these, in turn, as less mentally healthy. Furthermore, for some doctors especially, sensitivity is a dreaded weakness they had to repress in order to survive medical school. So they project that part of themselves, and the weakness they associate with it, onto patients with any sign of it at all" (Chapter 15).

Good News for Thos Trying Harder by Alan Kraft

I loved this book 10 years ago when I first read it, and I've loved every time I've read it since. It starts on this quote from Keller and then goes on to talk about the "twin melodies that comprise the good news of the gospel: brokenness and faith."

"You are a lot more sinful than you ever dared believe and a lot more loved than you ever dared hope." --Tim Keller (quoted on page 91)

One thing that is still revolutionary to me is the ideas from the section "Does God Turn Away?" (page 110). "Many of us believe we are resting in the finished work of Christ, but here's a quick question to help discern whether or not we truly are: When you are committing a willful sin, what do you feel is God's attitude toward you in that moment? What do you imagine God doing when you sin? For many of us, we envision God standing at a distance from us, turning his face away, and saying 'How could you do that again? I'm so disappointed.' He's shaking his head in disgust" (110). If this were the case, Kraft says, then we're only obeying out of fear of disappointing God, and when we mess up, we feel shame and distance from God. "Do you see what is missing from this equation? The gospel. The gospel says that when Jesus died on the cross, He took all of our sin upon Himself--not some of it or most of it. All of it. Not only that, as Jesus hung on the cross, He experienced the horror of absolute separation and isolation from God, crying, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' (Matt. 27:46). At that moment God the Father turned His face way because He couldn't look upon sin. Think of what that means: Jesus fully experienced the Father turning His face away so that we wouldn't have to experience it ever again. Jesus bore our shame so that would never have to be ashamed before God again...That is the gospel! If we think any sin we ever commit, willfully or not, causes God to distance Himself from us and turn his face away from us, we're losing the wonder of the gospel" (111-112). He goes on to say suggest "...a different picture. What if, while we are sinning, the Holy Spirit is whispering to our souls, 'I love you. I am always with you. Do you really want to do this? Will this really satisfy and bring life? You and I both know the pain this will cause. Do you really want this? Trust me. Let it go.' Do you feel the difference between these two perspectives? Both may encourage obedience, but only one is rooted in the finished work of Christ" (113).

Actually dealing with sin, then, takes figuring out what is the "sin underneath the sin." "The sin beneath every sin is our desire to be God" (57). Kraft is the one who taught me this concept, mostly through his sermons, and wow, it is a game changer.

Other quotes I like:

"When we define spiritual growth as us becoming more like Christ, as us becoming less and less sinful, what we are actually pursuing is a spiritual growth path in which we need Jesus less and less" (33).

"Sin is not just a little inconvenience we struggle with periodically, a minor thing in our lives. Sin permeates our beings. Our motives are self-centered. Our agendas are self-driven. Our lives are self-absorbed. We are a lot more sinful than we ever realized" (49).

"To realize our brokenness is to open the door to experience Jesus more fully" (53).

"In our own power we are unable to hear the melody of brokenness. We do not naturally see the depth of our sinfulness. As we have already discussed, our instinct is to hide our brokenness..." (72).

Anne of Avonlea

"Anne smothered a little sigh. She loved Diana dearly and they had always been good comrades. But she had long ago learned that when she wandered into the realm of fancy she must go alone. The way to it was by an enchanted path where not even her dearest might follow her" (15).

Lilac Girls by Martha Hall Kelly

You know you've read too many WWII books when the atrocities don't make you have a lasting experience of distress in mind and body.
What stuck out to me from this one was the choice to make Herta, physician for the Reich and criminal against human rights, one of the narrators. Hearing her defense of what she was doing was creepy: she was just doing her job, just doing her part to help her nation survive. We saw her humanity, her love for her family, her crush on a co-worker, and her relate-able struggle of having to work twice as hard to be successful just because she was a woman. Wow.
I also appreciate Kelly's choice to not make the end of the war the end of the book. I felt like the book should be over about 2/3 through, unconsciously expecting that with the war over, life would continue as usual, "nothing to see here." How powerful to see that the end of the war is not the end of the story, and to see some of how the events of the war had repercussions far into the future.

An American Marriage by Tayari Jones (Spoilers!)

Quick Summary (with spoilers)

Roy, from a working-class family in Louisiana, is now an ambitious entrepreneur in Atlanta. Celestial is an artist from an upper-middle-class family. Andre has been Celestial's friend since childhood. Roy and Celestial have been married for a year at the start of the story, still some newlywed happy haze over their relationship, but some problems, as all couples have, too. In a sudden turn, Roy is accused of and then convicted of a crime that both Celestial and the reader know he didn't commit, and is sentenced to 12 years in prison. Soon, the couple has spent more time apart than together, and Celestial tells Roy that she can't be married to him anymore. In fact, she falls in love with and soon becomes engaged to Andre, who (not surprisingly) has been in love with her for years. Unexpectedly, Roy is released after only 5 years. Celestial hasn't divorced him, and he plans to return to Atlanta hopeful that he can continue in his marriage. But it's his father that picks him up from prison, and before he leaves his Dad's in Louisiana, an old high school acquaintance invites him to dinner and one thing leads to another, Roy saying he "needs" this and that this time with Davina makes him a man again or something. He does return home and Celestial won't tell him that she loves him, nor will she tell him she doesn't. Roy figures out that Celestial is with Andre, and Celestial makes it clear she doesn't want to make love to Roy. Roy gets ready to leave.  Andre shows up, and then there is a scene in the front yard as once again Roy asks Celestial whether she cares for him and she doesn't answer, and Roy starts chopping down the tree in their front yard that means a lot to Celestial, and Roy and Andre have a fist-fight. Roy despairs, "My key works but you won't let me in" and this seems to be what changes Celestial's mind, and makes her feel some sense of responsibility or duty to be a wife to Roy still. She goes home with Roy, tends to his wounds, and offers her body to him. He can tell, though, that though she is willing, she is not eager, just acting out of obligation. When Roy realizes this, he leaves. The epilogue is letters between Roy and Celestial, reminding us of the form of the story, all epistolary during Roy's imprisonment. We see that Roy and Davina are together, and Celestial and Andrew are together and expecting a baby.

What I liked

~The story was character-driven. You got to know each person's perspective and motivations really well. No character was perfect, but I could understand the motivations of each so that I found each likeable enough

What I didn't like, but maybe what made it good...

~The exception may be Celestial. I liked her and I empathized with her situation, yes, but I was very impatient with and judgmental toward her. How could she not empathize with the situation that Roy was in? As bad as her situation was, she should know that his was worse, and that should have motivated her to remain loyal, wholeheartedly devoted. I mean, I guess I understand that if she had done that, there wouldn't have been much of a story. And maybe, that is the story of "An American Marriage," where we value loyalty and institutions but only to a point. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to be left to grapple with--what is that point? At what point is it okay to say, I value love and loyalty, but I need to take care of myself and do what I want/feel I need?

~I know this was the whole point of the story, to ask the questions of when is unshakable loyalty demanded, and when is it okay to follow your heart or needs or whatever? But when Roy went to Davina right after he got out of jail, obsessed with what he "needs," and still had no sympathy with what Celestial needed for 5 long years? Maybe his hypocrisy is so affronting to me because deep down, I identify with it. Same thing with my frustration with Celestial.
~Olive. Undoubtedly an incredible woman. But when Celestial drops that bit about how her physical abuse has characterized their relationship, I felt the sting. And I wanted nothing to do with her!! But it does make you think. People are so complex. So flawed. Even when we mean well, we often end up sabotaging things for ourselves.

What I'll keep thinking about
~This idea of what a man needs, what a woman owes a man, what a man owes a woman, etc. Certainly marriage is based on some standards around these ideas, and marriages fall apart when people have different expectations as to where the lines are truly drawn. But the book makes it clear that going through the motions of doing what one "owes" another without any heart in it is clearly not desirable.

More of What I Liked

~This was a story about race, inequality, mass incarceration, and the injustice of the criminal justice system, but it wasn't focused on those things, if that makes sense. Rather, this was a world where those things were understood, just implicitly there. Instead of explaining them, Jones could just show us their effects. This was so powerful.

~The epistolary format of this was very well-done. The whole pace of the novel was perfect to me.

~I did really like Davina. She seemed real, self-possessed, strong. She was the only one that seemed idealized to me.

I've already talked about my feelings about Olive. Still, this quote is wise. Choosing a beautiful quote from a character I have some respect for but also don't want anything to do with is perfect for this book! "Get on your knees when you talk to the Lord. Do not call yourself praying by lying in the bed thinking. Thinking and praying are two different things, and for something this important, you need prayer."

AFTER RE-READING THE ENDING....
I see that Roy's incarceration has more to do with the story than I originally realized. The meanings and lessons from the story I had previously drawn are really secondary to this... one of the reasons the injustice of Roy's incarceration was so horrific is that it took more from him than can be realized. It's easy to see that it took years of his life, and that it probably traumatized him and his family. It was apparent to me that it contributed to the downfall of his marriage, but I was eager to read it as only providing the opportunity for the people to do the true destroying themselves. On re-reading it, it became apparent that the truth is, Roy's conviction and incarceration made Celestial think of him as a criminal. Though she knew he hadn't committed the crime, because he was treated for so long as if he did, it was truly impossible for her not to start to do the same. She undoubtedly would have denied this. But now I think the book is about the phenomenon of

The Wisdom of the Enneagram

"They work to maintain their peace of mind just as they work to establish peace and harmony in their world" (316).

"We have sometimes called the Nine the crown of the Enneagram because it is at the top of the symbol and because it seems to include the whole of it. Nines can have the strength of Eights, the sense of fun and adventure of Sevens, the dutifulness of Sixes, the intellectualism of Fives, the creativity of Fours, the attractiveness of Threes, the generosity of Twos, and the idealism of Ones. However, what they generally do not have is a sense of really inhabiting themselves--a strong sense of their own identity.
"Ironically, therefore, the only type the Nine is not like is the Nine itself" (316).

The Comfort Seeker--"They become increasingly attracted to minor rewards as compensation for not being able to pursue real desires--but always with some repressed underlying anxiety about not attending to their real needs" (320).

"Beginning in the average Levels, Nines experience the temptation to be overly accommodating to others because they fear that if they get into conflicts with people, they will lose their connection with them" (322).

The Social Role--Nobody Special--"Average Nines begin to create a particular Social Role by seeing themselves as Nobody Special, the modest person who is content to stay in the background and not cause any inconvenience to others...They feel that their presence, opinions, and involvement do not really matter and are of no particular consequence. As confining as this is from one point of view, Nines find comfort n this self-definition--it allows them to minimize their own hopes and expectations so that they will not be frustrated or feel rejected, angry, or disappointed.....
"Identifying themselves as Nobody Special also offers Nines a certain camouflage, an ability to blend into the background where they will not be intruded on. Their social role also gives them the hope that if they do not take care of themselves, others will see their self-effacing humility and rush to their side....
"Left unchecked, the Nobody Special role can leave Nines with limited energy and little confidence in their ability to cope in life. They become depressed, easily fatigued, and need frequent naps and many hours of sleep. Taking any positive action for themselves becomes more and more difficult" (325).
Immediately below--"I'm Worth It--Make a list of the things in your life that excite you. Don't edit yourself. What kind of person would you be if you could? What steps could you take today to become more like that person? This week? This year?" (325).

Sloth and Self-Forgetting--"Sloth in Nines has to do with not wanting to be internally engaged with what they are doing. They are not necessarily lazy about doing ordinary daily things--on the contrary, they might be extremely busy at work or running a business or a household. Their sloth is internal, a spiritual sloth that makes them not want to be deeply touched or affected by reality. They do not want to show up in their lives in an active, self-initiating way. the result is that even average Nines go on automatic pilot, so that life becomes less immediate and less threatening to them" (326).

"Despite the fact that they may be spiritual seekers, Nines often attempt to get the emotional and physiological benefits of inner work by doing the opposite of being present. They go to sleep, numbing themselves to what they really feel and tuning out reality while still expecting to function effortlessly in it" (326).

"[Their capacity for holding the other--not themselves] allows healthy Nines to be extraordinarily supportive of others. But the fundamental mistake Nines make is to believe that to stay connected with others, they must not be connected with themselves" (327).

"They putter around and run errands but postpone dealing with more critical problems. In this state, they do not understand why people get frustrated with thtem. They are not bothering anyone, so why should anyone be upset with them? What they do not see is how frustrating their lack of appropriate response can be for others. They do not see that they are laying the groundwork for a self-fulfilling prophecy: the disengagement of average-to-unhealthy Nines will eventually bring about the very thing they fear most--loss and separation from others" (327).

"It is important for Nines to understand that numbness is not relaxation. In fact, numbness depends on maintaining physical tension. When we are relaxed, we are deeply aware of our breathing, our body sensations, and our surroundings. Real peace has the quality of aliveness and energy and is not the flat detachment that we see here" (327).

"Appearances to the contrary, Nines are actually the most withdrawn of all the types, although because their withdrawal is not physical, this is not as obvious as it is with other types. Nines continue to participate while withdrawing their attention from an active engagement with the world. They seek to create and maintain an Inner Sanctum, a private place in their minds that no one can tamper with" (328).

Idealizing Others in Relationships--"Idealizing Nines are often attracted to stronger, more aggressive people, looking to them to supply the 'juice' in relationships....But there are three major dangers with this arrangement. First, Nines can be taken advantage of by these more assertive, independent, and aggressive types. Second, the more freewheeling, independent types will often lose interest in the more complacent and unadventurous Nines. Last, ad most important, as long as Nines are trying to fill themselves by merging with the vitality of another, it is unlikely that they will do the work necessary to recover their own vitality" (329).

"Nines may well know that their attention and energy are required for their own self-development, for addressing problems, or for meaningfully engaging with others. But they feel an indefinable hesitancy, as if some extraordinary effort were required to participate more fully in their own lives. It all seems like too much trouble" (331).

"While many Nines do not want to be changes or influenced by others, less healthy Nines also do not want to be affected by their own reactions to events. They feel that anything that could rock the boat is threatening. This includes not only negative emotions but, ironically, positive ones as well. Allowing themselves to get too excited about something can be as threatening to their emotional stability as a legitimate disaster" (331).

"Lower-average Nines seem not to have an aggressive (or even an assertive) bone in their bodies. Underneath their outward appearance of contentment and neutrality, however, we often fin da great deal of hidden anger and resentment that Nines do not want to acknowledge, much less deal with" (332).

"They feel unable to defend themselves appropriately, to speak up for themselves, or to take timely action to further their own interests. Feeling powerless is one of the most powerful causes of suppressed rage" (333).

"Nines become actualized and remain healthy by learning to recognize their own Essential value, like healthy Threes. In effect, they overcome their Social Role, Nobody Special, and recognize that they are worth their own time and energy. They work at developing themselves and their potential and put themselves out in the world, letting others know what they have to offer" (327).

"Integrating Nines will frequently encounter feelings of heaviness or sleepiness whenever they try to do something good for themselves. But as they integrate, they will find their energy increasing, and with it their charisma. After thinking of themselves as invisible for most of their lives, integrating Nines are amazed that others not only listen to them but in fact seek them out" (337).

"Ultimately Nines reclaim their Essential nature by confronting their Basic Fear of losing connection and by letting go of the belief that their participation in the world is unimportant--that they do not have to 'show up.' They realize that the only way to truly achieve the unity and wholeness they seek is not by 'checking out' into the realms of the imagination but by fully engaging themselves in the present moment" (338).

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

"But Moody did not think of himself as interesting enough to hold her attention in his own right. Had he been a different Richardson, it might have been different" (Chapter 3).

The Road Back To You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile

"'Accepting oneself does not preclude an attempt to become better' observed Flannery O'Connor."

Caleb and Kit by Beth Vrabel

He understands my deepest fear, too, when he describes imagining meeting his friend's Mom. "How would her mom see me? She wouldn't. She'd see someone boring and plain, skinny and flat. Her forehead probably wouldn't frown, but her eyes--I bet they're the same ice blue as Kit's--would glaze over to something, anything, more interesting" (100).

"I stopped in place. 'Communicate? Trees?'
Derek laughed again. 'I know. It sounds crazy, doesn't it? Communicate in the sense that trees seem able and willing to figure out how to support one another. We've learned that trees will, in essence, feed stumps after their trunks are chopped or fall down. Without their branches or leaves, these stumps have no business growing--yet neighboring trees will leech their own resources and food to these stumps. I've got to think it's because the damaged tree is hurting and the others somehow sense it. One in the Northwest even began to grow bark thirty years after it was chopped down. How could it be anything but friendship?'" (125).

A Wind In The Door by Madeline L'Engle

"When Sporos Deepens," Proginoskes told Mr. Jenkins, "it means that he come of age. It means that he grows up. The temptation for farandola or for man or for star is to say that immature pleasure-seeker. When we seek our own pleasure as the ultimate good we place ourselves as the center of the universe. A fara or a man or a star has his place in the universe, but nothing created is the center" (203).

Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend

·         Basics

o   "We are responsible to others and for ourselves" (32).

o   "Remember that boundaries are a way to describe our spheres of responsibility: what we are and are not responsible for. While we shouldn't take on the responsibility of others' feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, we do have certain responsibilities to each other" (60).

o   What's within my boundaries?

§  Feelings

§  Attitudes & Beliefs

§  Behaviors

§  Choices

§  Values

§  Limits

§  Talents

§  Thoughts

§  Desires

§  Love

·         Summary of Boundary Problems from page 61

o   The Compliant--can't say no-- feels guilty and/or controlled by others; can't set boundaries

o   The Controller--can't hear no-- aggressively or manipulatively violates the boundaries of others

o   The Nonresponsive--can't say yes-- sets boundaries against responsibility to love

o   The Avoidant--can't hear yes-- sets boundaries against receiving care of other

·         Importance of Community

o   "You need to depend on others to help you set and keep boundaries. There are two reasons why...The first is that your most basic need in life is for relationship...The other reason we need others is because we need new input and new teaching...Our point... is that boundaries are not built in a vacuum; creating boundaries always involves a support network" (39-40).

o   “No matter how much you talk to yourself, read, study, or practice, you can't develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others. Don't even try to start setting limits until you have entered into deep, abiding attachments with people who will love you no matter what” (66).

·         The Laws of Boundaries: Highlights

o   Law #1- The Law of Sowing and Reaping:  "It doesn't help to just confront the irresponsible person...In reality, my client is only nagging [her husband]. [He] will not feel the need to change because his behavior is not causing him any pain. Confronting an irresponsible person is not painful to him; only consequences are....Codependent people bring insults and pain onto themselves when they confront irresponsible people. In reality, they just need to stop interrupting the law of sowing and reaping in someone's life" (88).

o   Law #2- The Law of Responsibility

§  "The Law of Responsibility includes loving others. The commandment to love is the entire law for Christians (Gal 5:13-14). Jesus calls it 'my' commandment, 'Love each other as I have loved you' (John 15:12). Anytime you are not loving others, you are not taking full responsibility for yourself; you have disowned your heart.

§  "Problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are confused. We are to love one another, not be one another. I can't feel your feelings for you. I can't think for you. I can't believe for you" (88).

o   Law #3- The Law of Power

§  "What you can do is influence others. But there is a trick. Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you....Change your way of dealing with them; they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work” (91).

§  "One more thing. You need wisdom to know what is you and what is not you. Pray for the wisdom to know the difference between what you have the power to change and what you do not" (91).

o   Law #5- The Law of Motivation--"The Law of Motivation says this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure" (94).

o   Law #6- The Law of Evaluation--"We cause pain by making choices for other that others do not like, but we also cause pain by confronting people when they are wrong. But if we do not share our anger with another, bitterness and hatred can set in. We need to be honest with one another about how we are hurt" (97).

o   Law #9- The Law of Activity--"Consider the contrast in the parable of the talents. The ones who succeeded were active and assertive. They initiated and pushed. The one who lost was passive and inactive" (101).... "The 'wicked and lazy' servant was passive. He did not try. God's grace covers failure, but it cannot make up for passivity. We to do our part" (102). ((Yes, that is what it really says. I think it means "We need to do our part." On the one hand, I can see this as a reasonable application of that parable. But it seems very out of touch with God's sovereignty and that makes me very conflicted.))

o   Law #10- The Law of Exposure--"A boundary is a property line. It defines where you begin and end. We have been discussing why you need such a line. One reason stands above the others: You do not exist in a vacuum. You exist in relation to God and others. Your boundaries define you in relationship to others" (103).

·         How to Start Making Boundaries

o   "Setting limits on others is a misnomer. We can't do that. What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can't change them or make them behave right" (44).

·         Common Boundary Myths: Highlights

o   Myth #1- If I Set Boundaries, I'm Being Selfish:

§  "Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others. People with highly developed limits are the most caring people on earth" (107).

§  Our Needs Are Our Responsibility: "Even with God's help, however, it is crucial to understand that meeting our own needs is basically our job. We can't wait passively for others to take care of us. Jesus told us to 'Ask... seek... knock' (Matt 7:7)" (108).

o   Myth #2- Boundaries Are A Sign of Disobedience:

§  "[There is a] biblical principle: an internal no nullifies an external yes. God is more concerned with our hearts than he is with our outward compliance" (110).

§  "Here's a good way to look at this myth that boundaries are a sign of disobedience: if we can't say no, we can't say yes...We must always obey our of a heart of love. When our motive is fear, we love not" (111).

o   Myth #5- Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry

§  "Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated...telling us we're in danger of being injured or controlled" (116).

§  "...individuals with injured boundaries often are shocked by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting limits. This is generally not 'new anger'--it's 'old anger.' It's often years of nos that were never voiced, never respected, and never listened to" (117).

§  "As hostile feelings surface, bring them into relationship. Confess them" (118)

o   Myth #6- When Others Set Boundaries, It Injures Me:

§  "Though we certainly need each other, no one but God is indispensable. When a conflict with one significant person can bring us to despair, it is possible that we are putting that person on a throne that should only be occupied by God" (121).

·         Boundaries and Your Spouse

o   Maybe neither one of you is the "bad guy": "You just have conflicting wants. This is what marriage is about--getting conflicting wants worked out...Problems arise when you make someone else responsible for our needs and wants, and when we blame them for our disappointments" (160).

o   "We have looked at our basic inability to change another person. A nagging spouse, in effect, keeps the problem going. Accepting someone as she is, respecting her choice to be that way, and then giving her appropriate consequences is the better path" (164).

o   "Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control a spouse. It is the opposite. It is giving up control and beginning to love. You are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take responsibility for his own behavior" (165).

·         Boundaries and Your Children: Highlights

o   "The 'my-way-or-else' approach teaches children to pretend to be obedient, at least when the parent is in earshot. The 'you-have-a-choice' approach teaches children to be responsible for their own actions" (79).

o   "When children have permission to ask for something that goes against the grain--even though they might not receive it--they develop a sense of what they need" (185).

o   "The first aspect of taking ownership of one's needs, then, is to identify them" (185).

o   "We must allow our children to experience the painful consequences of their own irresponsibility and mistakes" (185).

o   "Children need to have a sense of control and choice in their lives. They need to see themselves not as the dependent, helpless pawns of parents, but as choosing, willing, initiative-taking agents of their own lives" (188).

o   In the process of discipline: "Hold and comfort the child, helping her reattach with you. This helps her differentiate between consequences and a loss of love. Painful consequences should never include a loss of connection" (196)

·         Resistance to Boundaries-Highlights:

o   "Do not let anger be a cue for you to do something. People without boundaries respond automatically to the anger of others. They rescue, seek approval, or get angry themselves. There is great power in inactivity. Do not let an out-of-control person be the cue for you to change your course. Just allow him to be angry and decide for yourself what you need to do" (248).

o   "Own your boundarylessness. Admit that you have a problem. Own the fact that if you are being contolled, manipulated, or abused, the problem is not that you are with a bad person and your misery is their fault. The problem is that you lack boundaries. Don't blame someone else. You are the one with the problem....Identify the wish. Behind the failure to set limits is the fear of loss. Identify whose love you are going to have to give up if you choose to live. Place a name to it. Who are you going to have to place on the altar and give to God?...Let go.In the safety of your supportive relationships, face what you will never have from this person, or who this person symbolizes. This will be like a funeral. You will go through the stages of grief...Move on...God has a real life out there for you if you are willing to let go of the old one" (264-265).

·         Theological Matters

o   Basic Principle

§  "'The heart knows its own bitterness, and no one shares its joy' (Prov. 14:10). We have to deal with what is in our soul, and boundaries help us to define what that is" (32).

o   Over-quoting and over-generalizing

§  Just an example of the over-quoting of out-of-context Scriptures: "She had no sense that her body and feelings were a 'pearl of great value' (Matt. 13:46)" (282).

§  "Remember one last thing. Forgiveness is not denial. You must name the sin against you to forgive it. God did not deny what we did to him. He worked through it. He named it. He expressed his feelings about it. He cried and was angry. And then he let it go. And he did this in the context of relationship" (269). ((Interesting and very flawed re-telling of atonement and divine wrath, but I get what you're trying to say.))

o   Boundaries and God--"One of the most astounding teachings of the Bible is that we can influence God" (240).

o   Laziness and Hunger Rant

§  On consequences as an example of boundaries: "Paul is not kidding in 2 Thessalonians 3:10 when he says that if anyone will not work, don't let him or her eat. God does not enable irresponsible behavior. Hunger is a consequence of laziness (Prov 16:26)" (40). ((What the actual *&(*&?!))

·         Other Helpful Tidbits

o   Definition of trauma: "Trauma is an intensely painful emotional experience, rather than a character pattern" (82).

o   "Many depressed people suffer from a syndrome called 'learned helplessness,' in which they have been taught that whatever they do will make no difference on the outcome" (266).

Boundaries in marriage

·         "Love is at the heart of marriage, as it is at the heart of God himself (1 John 4:16). Yet, love is not enough. The marriage relationship needs other ingredients to grow and thrive. Those ingredients are freedom and responsibility" (9).

·         "Many people believe that as we humans grow up physically, we automatically grow up emotionally as well, but that's simply not true" (10).

·         "Boundaries in Marriage is not about fixing, changing, or punishing your mate. If you aren't in control of yourself, the solution is not learning to control someone else. The solution is learning self-control, one of the nine fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23). So don't look at this book as a way to make someone else grow up. It is more about taking ownership of your own life so that you are protected and you can love and protect your spouse without enabling or rescuing him or her" (12).

·         "We are not at the mercy of our spouse's behavior or problems" (22).

·         "Marriage is not slavery. It is based on a love relationship and deeply rooted in freedom. Each partner is free from the other and therefore free to love the other. Where there is control, or perception of control, there is not love. Love only exists where there is freedom" (24).

·         "Consequences Grow Spouses Up" the section heading.

·         The Laws of Boundaries--Clearly Stated!

·         Law #1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping: Our Actions have consequences.

·         Law #2: The Law of Responsibility: We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.

·         Law #3: The Law of Power: We have power over some thin; we don't have power over others (including changing people).

·         Law #4: The Law of Respect: If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.

·         "The Law of Respect fosters love. Loving your mate means desiring and protecting her freedom of choice" (45).

·         Law #5: The Law of Motivation: We must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes.

o   "Learning to pay attention to your motives does not mean saying yes only when you feel like it or want to do something. This is selfishness. Many times we make uncomfortable and painful choices to sacrifice for our mates. However, these choices are based on motives of love and responsibility, not fear of loss" (50).

·         Law #6: The Law of Evaluation: We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others.

o   "We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others. Do they cause pain that leads to injury? Or do they cause pain that leads to growth?" (51).

·         Law #7: The Law of Proactivity: We take action to solve our problems based on our values, wants, and needs.

·         Law #8: The Law of Envy: We will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries onto what others have.

o   "The most powerful obstacle to setting boundaries in marriage is envy. The Law of Envy states that we will never get what we want if we focus outside of our boundaries on what others have. Envy is devaluing what we have, thinking it's not enough.... Envy is miserable because we're dissatisfied with our state, yet powerless to change it. This is why it's such a powerful obstacle: The envious person doesn't set limits because he is not looking at himself long enough to figure out what choices he has. Instead, his envious eye is keeping him focused on the happiness of others.

o   "Do not confuse envy with desire. Desire involves wanting something, and it motivates us to take action to possess it" (54).

·         Law #9: The Law of Activity: We need to take initiative in setting limits rather than being passive.

o   Note: "The active spouse may feel abandoned by the passive one" (56). Ouch.

·         Law #10: The Law of Exposure: We need to communicate our boundaries to each other.

·         Boundaries With Yourself (VERY IMPORTANT)

o   "Lynn moved from seeing the problem as Tom's lateness to seeing it as her unhappiness with Tom's lateness. This opened the door to things she could control. When you cease to blame your spouse and own the problem as yours, you are then empowered to make changes to solve your problem" (61).

o   Good theological basis!

§  "[God] says that no matter who causes a problem, we are to take steps to solve it. If our brother has something against us, we are to go to him (Matthew 5:23-24). And at the same time, if our brother sins against us, we are to go to him (Matthew 18:15)" (63).

o   "Let's assume your spouse is all of these things--angry, irresponsible, inattentive, and self-centered. You will not grow if you continue to react to his sins. This is not seeking first God's kingdom and righteousness (Matthew 6:33); it is seeking satisfaction from another person.

o   "We must become more deeply concerned about our own issues than our spouse's" (65).

o   "Boundaries with yourself are a much bigger issue than boundaries in your marriage. In the end, while we are only partly responsible for growing our marriages, we are completely responsible to God for developing our very souls" (66).

o   "When you set limits on yourself, you create an environment in which your spouse can become free to choose to grow" (67).

o   "You cannot make your spouse grow up--that is between him and God. But you can make it easier for him to experience the love and limits he needs. When he faces the consequences of his immaturity, he stands a better chance of changing than if he faces your nagging and hounding. Become truthful, not controlling" (69).

o   "It always saddens me to see a person get into the spiritual growth process and immediately alienate her spouse with her intrusiveness, judgmentalism, and self-centeredness. The spouse of someone who is growing spiritually should be better off, not worse off!"

o   "Nothing kills love in a marriage more than judgmentalism. When you live with a judge, you are always on trial" (75).

o   "'Other-control' is the antithesis of having boundaries in marriage. Boundaries relinquish other-control for self-control (Galatians 5:23)" (76).

o   "Set limits on your desire for other-control as you place a higher value on love" (79).

·         “Oneness”

o   "The requirement for oneness is two complete people. The Bible defines a complete person as a mature person...To the degree that either is less than complete as a person, the oneness will suffer under the strain of that incompleteness" (86).

o   "Whenever we view others only in terms of how they affect us, we are in big trouble. This is self-centeredness" (97).

·         What You Value Is What You'll Have (Title of Chapter 5)

o   This ever-repeating idea. What is really your primary motivation? To be happy? To survive? To enjoy and glorify God?

o   "People who always want to be happy and pursue it above all else are some of the most miserable people in the world" (109).

o   "...loving God must be first. He empowers us to change. He tell us how to change" (116).

o   "...loving your spouse as yourself means that you want the best for your spouse even when you spouse can't see what it is...it may mean a need for spiritual growth and a person tries to get her spouse closer to God....And to love her as yourself means that you want it for your spouse as desperately as you would want it for yourself" (119-120).

o   "Most of the time, in otherwise good marriages, deception takes place for 'defensive' reasons. In other words, the dishonest spouse is often lying not for evil reasons, but to protect himself...For spouses to tell the whole truth, they must deal with their fears first...[including] fears of abandonment and loss of love if they are known [and] fears of being seen as 'bad' or not good enough if some part of them is known" (128).

o   "[Faithfulness] means that your spouse can be certain that you will deliver on what you have promised. It could mean being sexually faithful, but it could also mean doing chores faithfully!" (131).

o   "[Changing to get a spouse back] is not a bad motivation, but it is never enough, nor should it be primary. The primary reason for growth must be that one is 'hungering for righteousness'--not for someone else, but for oneself" (142).

·         Application Steps

o   "Couples need to regularly check in with each other and ask the hard questions, such as 'How do you feel about this?' and 'What am I doing that hurts or bothers you?'" (160).

o   "Some common areas where normal people find they have brokenness from the past or some immaturity where they are not equipped to perform as their spouse would like [include] relational abilities to get close, communicate, or sustain intimacy....None of these are 'sins.' They are areas in which you are immature and need to grow" (177).

o   "We do not grow when we are judged, nagged, condemned, resented, or subjected to some other lack of grace" (177).

o   "Silent suffering is not patience. Such suffering is often driven by fear or avoidance of conflict" (244).

o   To grow up, get a plan. "Genie and Jerry designed a plan to deal with their immaturity issues. They received help from others. You will have to do that well, no matter who you are. You need help, mentoring, support, and teaching. No one ever grew up on his own" (178).

o   "Guard against labeling one spouse 'the problem person.' This is never true" (179).

o   "Be clear about what you want. Don't passively wish. Tell your spouse clearly" (190).

o   "Any mate's deepest desire is for his spouse to enter into the growth process with him, deepening their love and knowledge of each other and God. Most of us dreamed of and prayed for this kind of marriage all our single lives. It is the highest state of existence on earth" (220).

·         "The overall strategy" "for dealing with conflict":

o   --Observation

o   --Confrontation

o   --Ownership, Grief, and Apology

o   --Repentance

o   --Involvement in the Process

o   --Reexamination

·         Tidbits

o   Good Submisison Quote

o   "The idea of submission is near meant to allow someone to overstep another's boundaries. Submission only has meaning in the context of boundaries, for boundaries promote self-control and freedom. If a wife is not free to control herself, she is not submitting anyway. She is a slave subject to a slave driver, and she is out of the will of God....The idea of submission aside, selfishness is never good for any relationship" (248).

o   Call a spade a spade, but don’t act like it’s the unforgivable sin

o   "Failing to make deep emotional connections is a serious character issue" (72).

o   Gender Biases, Understood and Defended

§  "Relational and Functional Reaping": "For example, a husband may sow overspending, while his wife reaps the result by having to get a job, or by scrimping on food and other necessities to meet the family budget. Or a wife may sow careless housekeeping, while her husband reaps discomfort in his own home and embarrassment when company comes over....In either aspect, the problem is the same: The one who has the problem isn't facing the effects of the problem" (41).

§  Oh, the natural assumption that housekeeping is obviously the wife's responsibility. My eyeballs are rolling into my head and also fire is coming out of my ears. But I will still listen to the good things. I will.