He understands my deepest fear, too, when he describes imagining meeting his friend's Mom. "How would her mom see me? She wouldn't. She'd see someone boring and plain, skinny and flat. Her forehead probably wouldn't frown, but her eyes--I bet they're the same ice blue as Kit's--would glaze over to something, anything, more interesting" (100).
"I stopped in place. 'Communicate? Trees?'
Derek laughed again. 'I know. It sounds crazy, doesn't it? Communicate in the sense that trees seem able and willing to figure out how to support one another. We've learned that trees will, in essence, feed stumps after their trunks are chopped or fall down. Without their branches or leaves, these stumps have no business growing--yet neighboring trees will leech their own resources and food to these stumps. I've got to think it's because the damaged tree is hurting and the others somehow sense it. One in the Northwest even began to grow bark thirty years after it was chopped down. How could it be anything but friendship?'" (125).
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
A Wind In The Door by Madeline L'Engle
"When Sporos Deepens," Proginoskes told Mr. Jenkins, "it means that he come of age. It means that he grows up. The temptation for farandola or for man or for star is to say that immature pleasure-seeker. When we seek our own pleasure as the ultimate good we place ourselves as the center of the universe. A fara or a man or a star has his place in the universe, but nothing created is the center" (203).
Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend
·
Basics
o "We are responsible to others and for ourselves" (32).
o "Remember that boundaries are a way to describe our spheres
of responsibility: what we are and are not responsible for. While we shouldn't take
on the responsibility of others' feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, we do have
certain responsibilities to each other" (60).
o What's within my boundaries?
§ Feelings
§ Attitudes & Beliefs
§ Behaviors
§ Choices
§ Values
§ Limits
§ Talents
§ Thoughts
§ Desires
§ Love
·
Summary of Boundary
Problems from page 61
o The Compliant--can't say no-- feels guilty and/or controlled by
others; can't set boundaries
o The Controller--can't hear no-- aggressively or manipulatively
violates the boundaries of others
o The Nonresponsive--can't say yes-- sets boundaries against
responsibility to love
o The Avoidant--can't hear yes-- sets boundaries against receiving
care of other
·
Importance of Community
o "You need to depend on others to help you set and keep
boundaries. There are two reasons why...The first is that your most basic need
in life is for relationship...The other reason we need others is because we
need new input and new teaching...Our point... is that boundaries are not built
in a vacuum; creating boundaries always involves a support network"
(39-40).
o “No matter how much you talk to yourself, read, study, or
practice, you can't develop or set boundaries apart from supportive
relationships with God and others. Don't even try to start setting limits until
you have entered into deep, abiding attachments with people who will love you
no matter what” (66).
·
The Laws of Boundaries:
Highlights
o Law #1- The Law of Sowing and Reaping: "It doesn't help to just confront the
irresponsible person...In reality, my client is only nagging [her husband].
[He] will not feel the need to change because his behavior is not causing him
any pain. Confronting an irresponsible person is not painful to him; only
consequences are....Codependent people bring insults and pain onto themselves
when they confront irresponsible people. In reality, they just need to stop
interrupting the law of sowing and reaping in someone's life" (88).
o Law #2- The Law of Responsibility
§ "The Law of Responsibility includes loving others. The
commandment to love is the entire law for Christians (Gal 5:13-14). Jesus calls
it 'my' commandment, 'Love each other as I have loved you' (John 15:12).
Anytime you are not loving others, you are not taking full responsibility for
yourself; you have disowned your heart.
§ "Problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are
confused. We are to love one another, not be one another. I can't feel your
feelings for you. I can't think for you. I can't believe for you" (88).
o Law #3- The Law of Power
§ "What you can do is influence others. But there is a trick.
Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their
destructive patterns no longer work on you....Change your way of dealing with
them; they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work” (91).
§ "One more thing. You need wisdom to know what is you and
what is not you. Pray for the wisdom to know the difference between what you
have the power to change and what you do not" (91).
o Law #5- The Law of Motivation--"The Law of Motivation says
this: Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you
are doomed to failure" (94).
o Law #6- The Law of Evaluation--"We cause pain by making
choices for other that others do not like, but we also cause pain by
confronting people when they are wrong. But if we do not share our anger with
another, bitterness and hatred can set in. We need to be honest with one
another about how we are hurt" (97).
o Law #9- The Law of Activity--"Consider the contrast in the
parable of the talents. The ones who succeeded were active and assertive. They
initiated and pushed. The one who lost was passive and inactive" (101)....
"The 'wicked and lazy' servant was passive. He did not try. God's grace
covers failure, but it cannot make up for passivity. We to do our part"
(102). ((Yes, that is what it really says. I think it means "We need to do
our part." On the one hand, I can see this as a reasonable application of
that parable. But it seems very out of touch with God's sovereignty and that
makes me very conflicted.))
o Law #10- The Law of Exposure--"A boundary is a property
line. It defines where you begin and end. We have been discussing why you need
such a line. One reason stands above the others: You do not exist in a vacuum.
You exist in relation to God and others. Your boundaries define you in relationship
to others" (103).
·
How to Start Making
Boundaries
o "Setting limits on others is a misnomer. We can't do that.
What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving
poorly; we can't change them or make them behave right" (44).
·
Common Boundary Myths:
Highlights
o Myth #1- If I Set Boundaries, I'm Being Selfish:
§ "Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to
care about others. People with highly developed limits are the most caring
people on earth" (107).
§ Our Needs Are Our Responsibility: "Even with God's help,
however, it is crucial to understand that meeting our own needs is basically
our job. We can't wait passively for others to take care of us. Jesus told us
to 'Ask... seek... knock' (Matt 7:7)" (108).
o Myth #2- Boundaries Are A Sign of Disobedience:
§ "[There is a] biblical principle: an internal no nullifies
an external yes. God is more concerned with our hearts than he is with our
outward compliance" (110).
§ "Here's a good way to look at this myth that boundaries are
a sign of disobedience: if we can't say no, we can't say yes...We must always
obey our of a heart of love. When our motive is fear, we love not" (111).
o Myth #5- Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry
§ "Anger tells us that our boundaries have been
violated...telling us we're in danger of being injured or controlled"
(116).
§ "...individuals with injured boundaries often are shocked
by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting limits. This is generally
not 'new anger'--it's 'old anger.' It's often years of nos that were never
voiced, never respected, and never listened to" (117).
§ "As hostile feelings surface, bring them into relationship.
Confess them" (118)
o Myth #6- When Others Set Boundaries, It Injures Me:
§ "Though we certainly need each other, no one but God is indispensable.
When a conflict with one significant person can bring us to despair, it is
possible that we are putting that person on a throne that should only be
occupied by God" (121).
·
Boundaries and Your Spouse
o Maybe neither one of you is the "bad guy": "You
just have conflicting wants. This is what marriage is about--getting
conflicting wants worked out...Problems arise when you make someone else
responsible for our needs and wants, and when we blame them for our
disappointments" (160).
o "We have looked at our basic inability to change another
person. A nagging spouse, in effect, keeps the problem going. Accepting someone
as she is, respecting her choice to be that way, and then giving her
appropriate consequences is the better path" (164).
o "Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control a
spouse. It is the opposite. It is giving up control and beginning to love. You
are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take
responsibility for his own behavior" (165).
·
Boundaries and Your
Children: Highlights
o "The 'my-way-or-else' approach teaches children to pretend
to be obedient, at least when the parent is in earshot. The 'you-have-a-choice'
approach teaches children to be responsible for their own actions" (79).
o "When children have permission to ask for something that
goes against the grain--even though they might not receive it--they develop a
sense of what they need" (185).
o "The first aspect of taking ownership of one's needs, then,
is to identify them" (185).
o "We must allow our children to experience the painful
consequences of their own irresponsibility and mistakes" (185).
o "Children need to have a sense of control and choice in
their lives. They need to see themselves not as the dependent, helpless pawns
of parents, but as choosing, willing, initiative-taking agents of their own
lives" (188).
o In the process of discipline: "Hold and comfort the child,
helping her reattach with you. This helps her differentiate between
consequences and a loss of love. Painful consequences should never include a
loss of connection" (196)
·
Resistance to
Boundaries-Highlights:
o "Do not let anger be a cue for you to do something. People
without boundaries respond automatically to the anger of others. They rescue,
seek approval, or get angry themselves. There is great power in inactivity. Do
not let an out-of-control person be the cue for you to change your course. Just
allow him to be angry and decide for yourself what you need to do" (248).
o "Own your boundarylessness. Admit that you have a problem.
Own the fact that if you are being contolled, manipulated, or abused, the
problem is not that you are with a bad person and your misery is their fault.
The problem is that you lack boundaries. Don't blame someone else. You are the
one with the problem....Identify the wish. Behind the failure to set limits is
the fear of loss. Identify whose love you are going to have to give up if you choose
to live. Place a name to it. Who are you going to have to place on the altar
and give to God?...Let go.In the safety of your supportive relationships, face
what you will never have from this person, or who this person symbolizes. This
will be like a funeral. You will go through the stages of grief...Move on...God
has a real life out there for you if you are willing to let go of the old
one" (264-265).
·
Theological Matters
o Basic Principle
§ "'The heart knows its own bitterness, and no one shares its
joy' (Prov. 14:10). We have to deal with what is in our soul, and boundaries
help us to define what that is" (32).
o Over-quoting and over-generalizing
§ Just an example of the over-quoting of out-of-context
Scriptures: "She had no sense that her body and feelings were a 'pearl of
great value' (Matt. 13:46)" (282).
§ "Remember one last thing. Forgiveness is not denial. You
must name the sin against you to forgive it. God did not deny what we did to
him. He worked through it. He named it. He expressed his feelings about it. He
cried and was angry. And then he let it go. And he did this in the context of
relationship" (269). ((Interesting and very flawed re-telling of atonement
and divine wrath, but I get what you're trying to say.))
o Boundaries and God--"One of the most astounding teachings
of the Bible is that we can influence God" (240).
o Laziness and Hunger Rant
§ On consequences as an example of boundaries: "Paul is not
kidding in 2 Thessalonians 3:10 when he says that if anyone will not work,
don't let him or her eat. God does not enable irresponsible behavior. Hunger is
a consequence of laziness (Prov 16:26)" (40). ((What the actual
*&(*&?!))
·
Other Helpful Tidbits
o Definition of trauma: "Trauma is an intensely painful
emotional experience, rather than a character pattern" (82).
o "Many depressed people suffer from a syndrome called
'learned helplessness,' in which they have been taught that whatever they do
will make no difference on the outcome" (266).
Boundaries
in marriage
·
"Love is at the heart
of marriage, as it is at the heart of God himself (1 John 4:16). Yet, love is
not enough. The marriage relationship needs other ingredients to grow and
thrive. Those ingredients are freedom and responsibility" (9).
·
"Many people believe
that as we humans grow up physically, we automatically grow up emotionally as
well, but that's simply not true" (10).
·
"Boundaries in
Marriage is not about fixing, changing, or punishing your mate. If you aren't
in control of yourself, the solution is not learning to control someone else.
The solution is learning self-control, one of the nine fruits of the Spirit
(Galatians 5:23). So don't look at this book as a way to make someone else grow
up. It is more about taking ownership of your own life so that you are
protected and you can love and protect your spouse without enabling or rescuing
him or her" (12).
·
"We are not at the
mercy of our spouse's behavior or problems" (22).
·
"Marriage is not
slavery. It is based on a love relationship and deeply rooted in freedom. Each
partner is free from the other and therefore free to love the other. Where
there is control, or perception of control, there is not love. Love only exists
where there is freedom" (24).
·
"Consequences Grow
Spouses Up" the section heading.
·
The Laws of
Boundaries--Clearly Stated!
·
Law #1: The Law of Sowing
and Reaping: Our Actions have consequences.
·
Law #2: The Law of
Responsibility: We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.
·
Law #3: The Law of Power:
We have power over some thin; we don't have power over others (including
changing people).
·
Law #4: The Law of Respect:
If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.
·
"The Law of Respect
fosters love. Loving your mate means desiring and protecting her freedom of
choice" (45).
·
Law #5: The Law of
Motivation: We must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes.
o "Learning to pay attention to your motives does not mean
saying yes only when you feel like it or want to do something. This is
selfishness. Many times we make uncomfortable and painful choices to sacrifice
for our mates. However, these choices are based on motives of love and
responsibility, not fear of loss" (50).
·
Law #6: The Law of
Evaluation: We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others.
o "We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others.
Do they cause pain that leads to injury? Or do they cause pain that leads to
growth?" (51).
·
Law #7: The Law of
Proactivity: We take action to solve our problems based on our values, wants,
and needs.
·
Law #8: The Law of Envy: We
will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries onto what others
have.
o "The most powerful obstacle to setting boundaries in
marriage is envy. The Law of Envy states that we will never get what we want if
we focus outside of our boundaries on what others have. Envy is devaluing what
we have, thinking it's not enough.... Envy is miserable because we're
dissatisfied with our state, yet powerless to change it. This is why it's such
a powerful obstacle: The envious person doesn't set limits because he is not
looking at himself long enough to figure out what choices he has. Instead, his
envious eye is keeping him focused on the happiness of others.
o "Do not confuse envy with desire. Desire involves wanting
something, and it motivates us to take action to possess it" (54).
·
Law #9: The Law of
Activity: We need to take initiative in setting limits rather than being
passive.
o Note: "The active spouse may feel abandoned by the passive
one" (56). Ouch.
·
Law #10: The Law of
Exposure: We need to communicate our boundaries to each other.
·
Boundaries With Yourself
(VERY IMPORTANT)
o "Lynn moved from seeing the problem as Tom's lateness to
seeing it as her unhappiness with Tom's lateness. This opened the door to
things she could control. When you cease to blame your spouse and own the
problem as yours, you are then empowered to make changes to solve your
problem" (61).
o Good theological basis!
§ "[God] says that no matter who causes a problem, we are to
take steps to solve it. If our brother has something against us, we are to go
to him (Matthew 5:23-24). And at the same time, if our brother sins against us,
we are to go to him (Matthew 18:15)" (63).
o "Let's assume your spouse is all of these things--angry,
irresponsible, inattentive, and self-centered. You will not grow if you
continue to react to his sins. This is not seeking first God's kingdom and
righteousness (Matthew 6:33); it is seeking satisfaction from another person.
o "We must become more deeply concerned about our own issues
than our spouse's" (65).
o "Boundaries with yourself are a much bigger issue than
boundaries in your marriage. In the end, while we are only partly responsible
for growing our marriages, we are completely responsible to God for developing
our very souls" (66).
o "When you set limits on yourself, you create an environment
in which your spouse can become free to choose to grow" (67).
o "You cannot make your spouse grow up--that is between him
and God. But you can make it easier for him to experience the love and limits
he needs. When he faces the consequences of his immaturity, he stands a better
chance of changing than if he faces your nagging and hounding. Become truthful,
not controlling" (69).
o "It always saddens me to see a person get into the
spiritual growth process and immediately alienate her spouse with her
intrusiveness, judgmentalism, and self-centeredness. The spouse of someone who
is growing spiritually should be better off, not worse off!"
o "Nothing kills love in a marriage more than judgmentalism.
When you live with a judge, you are always on trial" (75).
o "'Other-control' is the antithesis of having boundaries in
marriage. Boundaries relinquish other-control for self-control (Galatians
5:23)" (76).
o "Set limits on your desire for other-control as you place a
higher value on love" (79).
·
“Oneness”
o "The requirement for oneness is two complete people. The
Bible defines a complete person as a mature person...To the degree that either
is less than complete as a person, the oneness will suffer under the strain of
that incompleteness" (86).
o "Whenever we view others only in terms of how they affect
us, we are in big trouble. This is self-centeredness" (97).
·
What You Value Is What
You'll Have (Title of Chapter 5)
o This ever-repeating idea. What is really your primary
motivation? To be happy? To survive? To enjoy and glorify God?
o "People who always want to be happy and pursue it above all
else are some of the most miserable people in the world" (109).
o "...loving God must be first. He empowers us to change. He
tell us how to change" (116).
o "...loving your spouse as yourself means that you want the
best for your spouse even when you spouse can't see what it is...it may mean a
need for spiritual growth and a person tries to get her spouse closer to
God....And to love her as yourself means that you want it for your spouse as
desperately as you would want it for yourself" (119-120).
o "Most of the time, in otherwise good marriages, deception
takes place for 'defensive' reasons. In other words, the dishonest spouse is
often lying not for evil reasons, but to protect himself...For spouses to tell
the whole truth, they must deal with their fears first...[including] fears of
abandonment and loss of love if they are known [and] fears of being seen as
'bad' or not good enough if some part of them is known" (128).
o "[Faithfulness] means that your spouse can be certain that
you will deliver on what you have promised. It could mean being sexually
faithful, but it could also mean doing chores faithfully!" (131).
o "[Changing to get a spouse back] is not a bad motivation,
but it is never enough, nor should it be primary. The primary reason for growth
must be that one is 'hungering for righteousness'--not for someone else, but
for oneself" (142).
·
Application Steps
o "Couples need to regularly check in with each other and ask
the hard questions, such as 'How do you feel about this?' and 'What am I doing
that hurts or bothers you?'" (160).
o "Some common areas where normal people find they have
brokenness from the past or some immaturity where they are not equipped to
perform as their spouse would like [include] relational abilities to get close,
communicate, or sustain intimacy....None of these are 'sins.' They are areas in
which you are immature and need to grow" (177).
o "We do not grow when we are judged, nagged, condemned,
resented, or subjected to some other lack of grace" (177).
o "Silent suffering is not patience. Such suffering is often
driven by fear or avoidance of conflict" (244).
o To grow up, get a plan. "Genie and Jerry designed a plan to
deal with their immaturity issues. They received help from others. You will
have to do that well, no matter who you are. You need help, mentoring, support,
and teaching. No one ever grew up on his own" (178).
o "Guard against labeling one spouse 'the problem person.'
This is never true" (179).
o "Be clear about what you want. Don't passively wish. Tell
your spouse clearly" (190).
o "Any mate's deepest desire is for his spouse to enter into
the growth process with him, deepening their love and knowledge of each other
and God. Most of us dreamed of and prayed for this kind of marriage all our
single lives. It is the highest state of existence on earth" (220).
·
"The overall
strategy" "for dealing with conflict":
o --Observation
o --Confrontation
o --Ownership, Grief, and Apology
o --Repentance
o --Involvement in the Process
o --Reexamination
·
Tidbits
o Good Submisison Quote
o "The idea of submission is near meant to allow someone to
overstep another's boundaries. Submission only has meaning in the context of
boundaries, for boundaries promote self-control and freedom. If a wife is not
free to control herself, she is not submitting anyway. She is a slave subject
to a slave driver, and she is out of the will of God....The idea of submission
aside, selfishness is never good for any relationship" (248).
o Call a spade a spade, but don’t act like it’s the unforgivable
sin
o "Failing to make deep emotional connections is a serious
character issue" (72).
o Gender Biases, Understood and Defended
§ "Relational and Functional Reaping": "For
example, a husband may sow overspending, while his wife reaps the result by
having to get a job, or by scrimping on food and other necessities to meet the
family budget. Or a wife may sow careless housekeeping, while her husband reaps
discomfort in his own home and embarrassment when company comes over....In
either aspect, the problem is the same: The one who has the problem isn't
facing the effects of the problem" (41).
§ Oh, the natural assumption that housekeeping is obviously the
wife's responsibility. My eyeballs are rolling into my head and also fire is
coming out of my ears. But I will still listen to the good things. I will.
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