Cultivate by Lara Casey

"Staying isn't bad. Waiting can be fruitful. But sometimes we stay where we are because of fear, don't we?" (5).

"I discovered that doubts are doorways. When we lean into our doubts, seeking truth where we feel restless and unsure, God leads us to greater faith, and sometimes to unexpected new paths" (9).

"Farmers take a leap of faith each growing season, trusting that what they plant will actually grow. They plant seeds in faith and then believe in what they can't see" (106).

1 Corinthians 3:7: "So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth."

"We want to know every detail of the plan--and to be assured that the outcome will be positive and in our comfort zones--before we begin something, but here's a question for you: Are you planning an intentional life, or are you planting one?" (109).

A Million Little Ways by Emily P. Freeman

"He does not manage us, to-do list us, or bullet-point us. He loves us. And believing him feels impossible, until we do, like a miracle, like lukewarm water turning merlot red right there in the cup. And hope sprouts new, because God doesn't give us a list. He invites us into the story" (17).

"We may be displeased with the ways he wants to reveal his glory through us because they don't look like the ways he reveals his glory through others. We're uncomfortable with the implications and become confused about our own desire" (27).

"We don't have to be so afraid of desire. It's time instead to wake up to it....Your childhood dream delights God. I don't way that because every secret dream will come true. But having a dream is evidence of a person who is fully alive. Having a dream is a reflection of the image of God" (67).

"The truth is, I'm apologizing for the things that aren't sin to avoid acknowledging the things that are" (93).

"The critic points out my weaknesses, but he also forces me to draw a circle around what I believe" (98).

"Can we change out mind about our real goal? Getting in touch with the wart that is alive within you isn't about you making something new. Instead, you have the uniquely human opportunity to re-imagine what already is....The world needs you awake and alive. Does the world need another book? Song? Painted living room? Not necessarily. But the world does need you to come alive right where you are and not where you wish you were" (103).

"Listening to the pain of loss and heartbreak can wake us up to who we are, where we come from, and what matters most. But only if we open ourselves up to them" (112).

Quoting Brene Brown: "There is no such thing as selective emotional numbing. There is a full spectrum of human emotions and when we numb the dark, we numb the light. While i was 'taking the edge off' of the pain and vulnerability, I was also unintentionally dulling my experiences of good feelings, like joy."
"I don't believe we have to have pain to make beautiful art--but when the pain comes, the artist knows she must face it. Grief does deep, sacred work. We have to pay attention to what grieves us and be willing to be fully human, both in what makes come alive and in what has the capacity to shut us down" (117).

"Reject the temptation to believe you need to wait for a new set of life circumstances, a different job, or a new setting. Being who you already are no matter the circumstances of your life is what it means to release the art you were made to live. Respond to God where you are as you are" (126).

"'...why do you still get so nervous?'
Because I'm not cut out for this. And even as I say it, I heard what I can only describe as the Lord whisper, No, you are not cut out. You have been placed in. I really sensed those words, as sure as the way I stumbled an un'd my way through that interview. He reminded me I have been placed into him. Not cut out at all" (137).

"We listened quiet for answers. He offered love instead" (149).

Quoting Michelangelo: "In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it."
..."Seeing the not-yet in the midst of the now is the perspective the artist has to carry. And so we ought to pray not only for skill but for sight" (151).

"The words of Henry Nauwen resonate deeply within me. He writes,
"'Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth that we speak. As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble.'"

"Just because I don't like something about myself doesn't mean it's sin. Sometimes I worry more over those parts than the parts that are sin. Isn't there enough of the sin to worry about without micromanaging the unique aspects of your personality? If who you are is random, then yeah, go on a self-improvement program. But if you think God is in control of the whole thing of you, and he made you on purpose for a reason, and you try to be someone else, who will be you? Some stuff about us, our faults or sin, are change worthy. But I think sometimes I think the things we try to make different, are actually the things that make us different."

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron

"In short, you do not have to take the job that will create excessive stress and over-arousal. Someone else will take it, and flourish in it. You do not have to work long hours. Indeed, it may be your duty to work shorter ones. It may be best not to advertise it, but keeping yourself healthy and in your right range of arousal is the first condition for helping others."

"Stay in good contact with many kinds of other people, at work and elsewhere, accepting that no one person can  relate to all of you. Indeed, accepting the loneliness that goes with giftedness may be the most freeing, empowering step of all. But also accept its opposite, that there's no need to feel isolated, for everyone is gifted in some way. And then there's the opposite truth. Non one, including yourself is special in the sense of being exempted from the universals of ageing and death."

"No matter how introverted, you are a social being. You cannot escape your need and spontaneous desire to connect with others, even if your conflicting urge to protect yourself is very strong."

"Over-arousal is easily displaced onto worries, regrets, anything that is handy."

"Overall, sensitivity can greatly enhance intimate communication. You pick on so much more of the subtle cues, the nuances, the paradoxes and ambivalences, the unconscious processes. You understand that this sort of communication requires patience, you are loyal, conscientious, and appreciative enough of the value of the relationship to be willing to give it the time. The main problem is, as always, over-arousal. In that state we can be extremely insensitive to everything around us, including those we love. We can blame our trait. 'I was just too tired, too overwhelmed.' But it still our duty to do whatever we can to communicate in a helpful way, or let the other know ahead of time, if possible, when we are unable to hold up our end."

"In several studies of married and dating couples, we found that the pairs felt more satisfied with their relationships if they did things together that they defined as exciting, not just pleasant. This seems logical. If you cannot expand any more by incorporating new things about the other into yourself, you can still create an association between the relationship and self-expansion by doing new things together. To an HSP especially, it may seem that life is to stimulating especially, and when you come home you want quiet. But be careful not to make your relationship so soothing that you do not do anything new together. Perhaps to do that, your hours apart have to be less stressful. Or you have to search for what expands you without over-arousing you."

"The doctor shares the culture's bias in mistaking your trait for shyness and introversion, and in viewing these, in turn, as less mentally healthy. Furthermore, for some doctors especially, sensitivity is a dreaded weakness they had to repress in order to survive medical school. So they project that part of themselves, and the weakness they associate with it, onto patients with any sign of it at all" (Chapter 15).

Good News for Thos Trying Harder by Alan Kraft

I loved this book 10 years ago when I first read it, and I've loved every time I've read it since. It starts on this quote from Keller and then goes on to talk about the "twin melodies that comprise the good news of the gospel: brokenness and faith."

"You are a lot more sinful than you ever dared believe and a lot more loved than you ever dared hope." --Tim Keller (quoted on page 91)

One thing that is still revolutionary to me is the ideas from the section "Does God Turn Away?" (page 110). "Many of us believe we are resting in the finished work of Christ, but here's a quick question to help discern whether or not we truly are: When you are committing a willful sin, what do you feel is God's attitude toward you in that moment? What do you imagine God doing when you sin? For many of us, we envision God standing at a distance from us, turning his face away, and saying 'How could you do that again? I'm so disappointed.' He's shaking his head in disgust" (110). If this were the case, Kraft says, then we're only obeying out of fear of disappointing God, and when we mess up, we feel shame and distance from God. "Do you see what is missing from this equation? The gospel. The gospel says that when Jesus died on the cross, He took all of our sin upon Himself--not some of it or most of it. All of it. Not only that, as Jesus hung on the cross, He experienced the horror of absolute separation and isolation from God, crying, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' (Matt. 27:46). At that moment God the Father turned His face way because He couldn't look upon sin. Think of what that means: Jesus fully experienced the Father turning His face away so that we wouldn't have to experience it ever again. Jesus bore our shame so that would never have to be ashamed before God again...That is the gospel! If we think any sin we ever commit, willfully or not, causes God to distance Himself from us and turn his face away from us, we're losing the wonder of the gospel" (111-112). He goes on to say suggest "...a different picture. What if, while we are sinning, the Holy Spirit is whispering to our souls, 'I love you. I am always with you. Do you really want to do this? Will this really satisfy and bring life? You and I both know the pain this will cause. Do you really want this? Trust me. Let it go.' Do you feel the difference between these two perspectives? Both may encourage obedience, but only one is rooted in the finished work of Christ" (113).

Actually dealing with sin, then, takes figuring out what is the "sin underneath the sin." "The sin beneath every sin is our desire to be God" (57). Kraft is the one who taught me this concept, mostly through his sermons, and wow, it is a game changer.

Other quotes I like:

"When we define spiritual growth as us becoming more like Christ, as us becoming less and less sinful, what we are actually pursuing is a spiritual growth path in which we need Jesus less and less" (33).

"Sin is not just a little inconvenience we struggle with periodically, a minor thing in our lives. Sin permeates our beings. Our motives are self-centered. Our agendas are self-driven. Our lives are self-absorbed. We are a lot more sinful than we ever realized" (49).

"To realize our brokenness is to open the door to experience Jesus more fully" (53).

"In our own power we are unable to hear the melody of brokenness. We do not naturally see the depth of our sinfulness. As we have already discussed, our instinct is to hide our brokenness..." (72).

Anne of Avonlea

"Anne smothered a little sigh. She loved Diana dearly and they had always been good comrades. But she had long ago learned that when she wandered into the realm of fancy she must go alone. The way to it was by an enchanted path where not even her dearest might follow her" (15).

Lilac Girls by Martha Hall Kelly

You know you've read too many WWII books when the atrocities don't make you have a lasting experience of distress in mind and body.
What stuck out to me from this one was the choice to make Herta, physician for the Reich and criminal against human rights, one of the narrators. Hearing her defense of what she was doing was creepy: she was just doing her job, just doing her part to help her nation survive. We saw her humanity, her love for her family, her crush on a co-worker, and her relate-able struggle of having to work twice as hard to be successful just because she was a woman. Wow.
I also appreciate Kelly's choice to not make the end of the war the end of the book. I felt like the book should be over about 2/3 through, unconsciously expecting that with the war over, life would continue as usual, "nothing to see here." How powerful to see that the end of the war is not the end of the story, and to see some of how the events of the war had repercussions far into the future.

An American Marriage by Tayari Jones (Spoilers!)

Quick Summary (with spoilers)

Roy, from a working-class family in Louisiana, is now an ambitious entrepreneur in Atlanta. Celestial is an artist from an upper-middle-class family. Andre has been Celestial's friend since childhood. Roy and Celestial have been married for a year at the start of the story, still some newlywed happy haze over their relationship, but some problems, as all couples have, too. In a sudden turn, Roy is accused of and then convicted of a crime that both Celestial and the reader know he didn't commit, and is sentenced to 12 years in prison. Soon, the couple has spent more time apart than together, and Celestial tells Roy that she can't be married to him anymore. In fact, she falls in love with and soon becomes engaged to Andre, who (not surprisingly) has been in love with her for years. Unexpectedly, Roy is released after only 5 years. Celestial hasn't divorced him, and he plans to return to Atlanta hopeful that he can continue in his marriage. But it's his father that picks him up from prison, and before he leaves his Dad's in Louisiana, an old high school acquaintance invites him to dinner and one thing leads to another, Roy saying he "needs" this and that this time with Davina makes him a man again or something. He does return home and Celestial won't tell him that she loves him, nor will she tell him she doesn't. Roy figures out that Celestial is with Andre, and Celestial makes it clear she doesn't want to make love to Roy. Roy gets ready to leave.  Andre shows up, and then there is a scene in the front yard as once again Roy asks Celestial whether she cares for him and she doesn't answer, and Roy starts chopping down the tree in their front yard that means a lot to Celestial, and Roy and Andre have a fist-fight. Roy despairs, "My key works but you won't let me in" and this seems to be what changes Celestial's mind, and makes her feel some sense of responsibility or duty to be a wife to Roy still. She goes home with Roy, tends to his wounds, and offers her body to him. He can tell, though, that though she is willing, she is not eager, just acting out of obligation. When Roy realizes this, he leaves. The epilogue is letters between Roy and Celestial, reminding us of the form of the story, all epistolary during Roy's imprisonment. We see that Roy and Davina are together, and Celestial and Andrew are together and expecting a baby.

What I liked

~The story was character-driven. You got to know each person's perspective and motivations really well. No character was perfect, but I could understand the motivations of each so that I found each likeable enough

What I didn't like, but maybe what made it good...

~The exception may be Celestial. I liked her and I empathized with her situation, yes, but I was very impatient with and judgmental toward her. How could she not empathize with the situation that Roy was in? As bad as her situation was, she should know that his was worse, and that should have motivated her to remain loyal, wholeheartedly devoted. I mean, I guess I understand that if she had done that, there wouldn't have been much of a story. And maybe, that is the story of "An American Marriage," where we value loyalty and institutions but only to a point. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to be left to grapple with--what is that point? At what point is it okay to say, I value love and loyalty, but I need to take care of myself and do what I want/feel I need?

~I know this was the whole point of the story, to ask the questions of when is unshakable loyalty demanded, and when is it okay to follow your heart or needs or whatever? But when Roy went to Davina right after he got out of jail, obsessed with what he "needs," and still had no sympathy with what Celestial needed for 5 long years? Maybe his hypocrisy is so affronting to me because deep down, I identify with it. Same thing with my frustration with Celestial.
~Olive. Undoubtedly an incredible woman. But when Celestial drops that bit about how her physical abuse has characterized their relationship, I felt the sting. And I wanted nothing to do with her!! But it does make you think. People are so complex. So flawed. Even when we mean well, we often end up sabotaging things for ourselves.

What I'll keep thinking about
~This idea of what a man needs, what a woman owes a man, what a man owes a woman, etc. Certainly marriage is based on some standards around these ideas, and marriages fall apart when people have different expectations as to where the lines are truly drawn. But the book makes it clear that going through the motions of doing what one "owes" another without any heart in it is clearly not desirable.

More of What I Liked

~This was a story about race, inequality, mass incarceration, and the injustice of the criminal justice system, but it wasn't focused on those things, if that makes sense. Rather, this was a world where those things were understood, just implicitly there. Instead of explaining them, Jones could just show us their effects. This was so powerful.

~The epistolary format of this was very well-done. The whole pace of the novel was perfect to me.

~I did really like Davina. She seemed real, self-possessed, strong. She was the only one that seemed idealized to me.

I've already talked about my feelings about Olive. Still, this quote is wise. Choosing a beautiful quote from a character I have some respect for but also don't want anything to do with is perfect for this book! "Get on your knees when you talk to the Lord. Do not call yourself praying by lying in the bed thinking. Thinking and praying are two different things, and for something this important, you need prayer."

AFTER RE-READING THE ENDING....
I see that Roy's incarceration has more to do with the story than I originally realized. The meanings and lessons from the story I had previously drawn are really secondary to this... one of the reasons the injustice of Roy's incarceration was so horrific is that it took more from him than can be realized. It's easy to see that it took years of his life, and that it probably traumatized him and his family. It was apparent to me that it contributed to the downfall of his marriage, but I was eager to read it as only providing the opportunity for the people to do the true destroying themselves. On re-reading it, it became apparent that the truth is, Roy's conviction and incarceration made Celestial think of him as a criminal. Though she knew he hadn't committed the crime, because he was treated for so long as if he did, it was truly impossible for her not to start to do the same. She undoubtedly would have denied this. But now I think the book is about the phenomenon of