You know you've read too many WWII books when the atrocities don't make you have a lasting experience of distress in mind and body.
What stuck out to me from this one was the choice to make Herta, physician for the Reich and criminal against human rights, one of the narrators. Hearing her defense of what she was doing was creepy: she was just doing her job, just doing her part to help her nation survive. We saw her humanity, her love for her family, her crush on a co-worker, and her relate-able struggle of having to work twice as hard to be successful just because she was a woman. Wow.
I also appreciate Kelly's choice to not make the end of the war the end of the book. I felt like the book should be over about 2/3 through, unconsciously expecting that with the war over, life would continue as usual, "nothing to see here." How powerful to see that the end of the war is not the end of the story, and to see some of how the events of the war had repercussions far into the future.
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
An American Marriage by Tayari Jones (Spoilers!)
Quick Summary (with spoilers)
Roy, from a working-class family in Louisiana, is now an ambitious entrepreneur in Atlanta. Celestial is an artist from an upper-middle-class family. Andre has been Celestial's friend since childhood. Roy and Celestial have been married for a year at the start of the story, still some newlywed happy haze over their relationship, but some problems, as all couples have, too. In a sudden turn, Roy is accused of and then convicted of a crime that both Celestial and the reader know he didn't commit, and is sentenced to 12 years in prison. Soon, the couple has spent more time apart than together, and Celestial tells Roy that she can't be married to him anymore. In fact, she falls in love with and soon becomes engaged to Andre, who (not surprisingly) has been in love with her for years. Unexpectedly, Roy is released after only 5 years. Celestial hasn't divorced him, and he plans to return to Atlanta hopeful that he can continue in his marriage. But it's his father that picks him up from prison, and before he leaves his Dad's in Louisiana, an old high school acquaintance invites him to dinner and one thing leads to another, Roy saying he "needs" this and that this time with Davina makes him a man again or something. He does return home and Celestial won't tell him that she loves him, nor will she tell him she doesn't. Roy figures out that Celestial is with Andre, and Celestial makes it clear she doesn't want to make love to Roy. Roy gets ready to leave. Andre shows up, and then there is a scene in the front yard as once again Roy asks Celestial whether she cares for him and she doesn't answer, and Roy starts chopping down the tree in their front yard that means a lot to Celestial, and Roy and Andre have a fist-fight. Roy despairs, "My key works but you won't let me in" and this seems to be what changes Celestial's mind, and makes her feel some sense of responsibility or duty to be a wife to Roy still. She goes home with Roy, tends to his wounds, and offers her body to him. He can tell, though, that though she is willing, she is not eager, just acting out of obligation. When Roy realizes this, he leaves. The epilogue is letters between Roy and Celestial, reminding us of the form of the story, all epistolary during Roy's imprisonment. We see that Roy and Davina are together, and Celestial and Andrew are together and expecting a baby.
What I liked
~The story was character-driven. You got to know each person's perspective and motivations really well. No character was perfect, but I could understand the motivations of each so that I found each likeable enough
What I didn't like, but maybe what made it good...
~The exception may be Celestial. I liked her and I empathized with her situation, yes, but I was very impatient with and judgmental toward her. How could she not empathize with the situation that Roy was in? As bad as her situation was, she should know that his was worse, and that should have motivated her to remain loyal, wholeheartedly devoted. I mean, I guess I understand that if she had done that, there wouldn't have been much of a story. And maybe, that is the story of "An American Marriage," where we value loyalty and institutions but only to a point. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to be left to grapple with--what is that point? At what point is it okay to say, I value love and loyalty, but I need to take care of myself and do what I want/feel I need?
What I'll keep thinking about
~This idea of what a man needs, what a woman owes a man, what a man owes a woman, etc. Certainly marriage is based on some standards around these ideas, and marriages fall apart when people have different expectations as to where the lines are truly drawn. But the book makes it clear that going through the motions of doing what one "owes" another without any heart in it is clearly not desirable.
~I
know this was the whole point of the story, to ask the questions of
when is unshakable loyalty demanded, and when is it okay to follow your
heart or needs or whatever? But when Roy went to Davina right after he
got out of jail, obsessed with what he "needs," and still had no
sympathy with what Celestial needed for 5 long years? Maybe his
hypocrisy is so affronting to me because deep down, I identify with it.
Same thing with my frustration with Celestial.
~Olive. Undoubtedly an incredible woman. But when Celestial drops that bit about how her physical abuse has characterized their relationship, I felt the sting. And I wanted nothing to do with her!! But it does make you think. People are so complex. So flawed. Even when we mean well, we often end up sabotaging things for ourselves.
~Olive. Undoubtedly an incredible woman. But when Celestial drops that bit about how her physical abuse has characterized their relationship, I felt the sting. And I wanted nothing to do with her!! But it does make you think. People are so complex. So flawed. Even when we mean well, we often end up sabotaging things for ourselves.
What I'll keep thinking about
~This idea of what a man needs, what a woman owes a man, what a man owes a woman, etc. Certainly marriage is based on some standards around these ideas, and marriages fall apart when people have different expectations as to where the lines are truly drawn. But the book makes it clear that going through the motions of doing what one "owes" another without any heart in it is clearly not desirable.
More of What I Liked
~This was a story about race, inequality, mass incarceration, and the injustice of the criminal justice system, but it wasn't focused on those things, if that makes sense. Rather, this was a world where those things were understood, just implicitly there. Instead of explaining them, Jones could just show us their effects. This was so powerful.
~The epistolary format of this was very well-done. The whole pace of the novel was perfect to me.
~I did really like Davina. She seemed real, self-possessed, strong. She was the only one that seemed idealized to me.
I've already talked about my feelings about Olive. Still, this quote is wise. Choosing a beautiful quote from a character I have some respect for but also don't want anything to do with is perfect for this book! "Get on your knees when you talk to the Lord. Do not call yourself praying by lying in the bed thinking. Thinking and praying are two different things, and for something this important, you need prayer."
AFTER RE-READING THE ENDING....
I see that Roy's incarceration has more to do with the story than I originally realized. The meanings and lessons from the story I had previously drawn are really secondary to this... one of the reasons the injustice of Roy's incarceration was so horrific is that it took more from him than can be realized. It's easy to see that it took years of his life, and that it probably traumatized him and his family. It was apparent to me that it contributed to the downfall of his marriage, but I was eager to read it as only providing the opportunity for the people to do the true destroying themselves. On re-reading it, it became apparent that the truth is, Roy's conviction and incarceration made Celestial think of him as a criminal. Though she knew he hadn't committed the crime, because he was treated for so long as if he did, it was truly impossible for her not to start to do the same. She undoubtedly would have denied this. But now I think the book is about the phenomenon of
I've already talked about my feelings about Olive. Still, this quote is wise. Choosing a beautiful quote from a character I have some respect for but also don't want anything to do with is perfect for this book! "Get on your knees when you talk to the Lord. Do not call yourself praying by lying in the bed thinking. Thinking and praying are two different things, and for something this important, you need prayer."
AFTER RE-READING THE ENDING....
I see that Roy's incarceration has more to do with the story than I originally realized. The meanings and lessons from the story I had previously drawn are really secondary to this... one of the reasons the injustice of Roy's incarceration was so horrific is that it took more from him than can be realized. It's easy to see that it took years of his life, and that it probably traumatized him and his family. It was apparent to me that it contributed to the downfall of his marriage, but I was eager to read it as only providing the opportunity for the people to do the true destroying themselves. On re-reading it, it became apparent that the truth is, Roy's conviction and incarceration made Celestial think of him as a criminal. Though she knew he hadn't committed the crime, because he was treated for so long as if he did, it was truly impossible for her not to start to do the same. She undoubtedly would have denied this. But now I think the book is about the phenomenon of
Monday, April 9, 2018
The Wisdom of the Enneagram
"They work to maintain their peace of mind just as they work to establish peace and harmony in their world" (316).
"We have sometimes called the Nine the crown of the Enneagram because it is at the top of the symbol and because it seems to include the whole of it. Nines can have the strength of Eights, the sense of fun and adventure of Sevens, the dutifulness of Sixes, the intellectualism of Fives, the creativity of Fours, the attractiveness of Threes, the generosity of Twos, and the idealism of Ones. However, what they generally do not have is a sense of really inhabiting themselves--a strong sense of their own identity.
"Ironically, therefore, the only type the Nine is not like is the Nine itself" (316).
The Comfort Seeker--"They become increasingly attracted to minor rewards as compensation for not being able to pursue real desires--but always with some repressed underlying anxiety about not attending to their real needs" (320).
"Beginning in the average Levels, Nines experience the temptation to be overly accommodating to others because they fear that if they get into conflicts with people, they will lose their connection with them" (322).
The Social Role--Nobody Special--"Average Nines begin to create a particular Social Role by seeing themselves as Nobody Special, the modest person who is content to stay in the background and not cause any inconvenience to others...They feel that their presence, opinions, and involvement do not really matter and are of no particular consequence. As confining as this is from one point of view, Nines find comfort n this self-definition--it allows them to minimize their own hopes and expectations so that they will not be frustrated or feel rejected, angry, or disappointed.....
"Identifying themselves as Nobody Special also offers Nines a certain camouflage, an ability to blend into the background where they will not be intruded on. Their social role also gives them the hope that if they do not take care of themselves, others will see their self-effacing humility and rush to their side....
"Left unchecked, the Nobody Special role can leave Nines with limited energy and little confidence in their ability to cope in life. They become depressed, easily fatigued, and need frequent naps and many hours of sleep. Taking any positive action for themselves becomes more and more difficult" (325).
Immediately below--"I'm Worth It--Make a list of the things in your life that excite you. Don't edit yourself. What kind of person would you be if you could? What steps could you take today to become more like that person? This week? This year?" (325).
Sloth and Self-Forgetting--"Sloth in Nines has to do with not wanting to be internally engaged with what they are doing. They are not necessarily lazy about doing ordinary daily things--on the contrary, they might be extremely busy at work or running a business or a household. Their sloth is internal, a spiritual sloth that makes them not want to be deeply touched or affected by reality. They do not want to show up in their lives in an active, self-initiating way. the result is that even average Nines go on automatic pilot, so that life becomes less immediate and less threatening to them" (326).
"Despite the fact that they may be spiritual seekers, Nines often attempt to get the emotional and physiological benefits of inner work by doing the opposite of being present. They go to sleep, numbing themselves to what they really feel and tuning out reality while still expecting to function effortlessly in it" (326).
"[Their capacity for holding the other--not themselves] allows healthy Nines to be extraordinarily supportive of others. But the fundamental mistake Nines make is to believe that to stay connected with others, they must not be connected with themselves" (327).
"They putter around and run errands but postpone dealing with more critical problems. In this state, they do not understand why people get frustrated with thtem. They are not bothering anyone, so why should anyone be upset with them? What they do not see is how frustrating their lack of appropriate response can be for others. They do not see that they are laying the groundwork for a self-fulfilling prophecy: the disengagement of average-to-unhealthy Nines will eventually bring about the very thing they fear most--loss and separation from others" (327).
"It is important for Nines to understand that numbness is not relaxation. In fact, numbness depends on maintaining physical tension. When we are relaxed, we are deeply aware of our breathing, our body sensations, and our surroundings. Real peace has the quality of aliveness and energy and is not the flat detachment that we see here" (327).
"Appearances to the contrary, Nines are actually the most withdrawn of all the types, although because their withdrawal is not physical, this is not as obvious as it is with other types. Nines continue to participate while withdrawing their attention from an active engagement with the world. They seek to create and maintain an Inner Sanctum, a private place in their minds that no one can tamper with" (328).
Idealizing Others in Relationships--"Idealizing Nines are often attracted to stronger, more aggressive people, looking to them to supply the 'juice' in relationships....But there are three major dangers with this arrangement. First, Nines can be taken advantage of by these more assertive, independent, and aggressive types. Second, the more freewheeling, independent types will often lose interest in the more complacent and unadventurous Nines. Last, ad most important, as long as Nines are trying to fill themselves by merging with the vitality of another, it is unlikely that they will do the work necessary to recover their own vitality" (329).
"Nines may well know that their attention and energy are required for their own self-development, for addressing problems, or for meaningfully engaging with others. But they feel an indefinable hesitancy, as if some extraordinary effort were required to participate more fully in their own lives. It all seems like too much trouble" (331).
"While many Nines do not want to be changes or influenced by others, less healthy Nines also do not want to be affected by their own reactions to events. They feel that anything that could rock the boat is threatening. This includes not only negative emotions but, ironically, positive ones as well. Allowing themselves to get too excited about something can be as threatening to their emotional stability as a legitimate disaster" (331).
"Lower-average Nines seem not to have an aggressive (or even an assertive) bone in their bodies. Underneath their outward appearance of contentment and neutrality, however, we often fin da great deal of hidden anger and resentment that Nines do not want to acknowledge, much less deal with" (332).
"They feel unable to defend themselves appropriately, to speak up for themselves, or to take timely action to further their own interests. Feeling powerless is one of the most powerful causes of suppressed rage" (333).
"Nines become actualized and remain healthy by learning to recognize their own Essential value, like healthy Threes. In effect, they overcome their Social Role, Nobody Special, and recognize that they are worth their own time and energy. They work at developing themselves and their potential and put themselves out in the world, letting others know what they have to offer" (327).
"Integrating Nines will frequently encounter feelings of heaviness or sleepiness whenever they try to do something good for themselves. But as they integrate, they will find their energy increasing, and with it their charisma. After thinking of themselves as invisible for most of their lives, integrating Nines are amazed that others not only listen to them but in fact seek them out" (337).
"Ultimately Nines reclaim their Essential nature by confronting their Basic Fear of losing connection and by letting go of the belief that their participation in the world is unimportant--that they do not have to 'show up.' They realize that the only way to truly achieve the unity and wholeness they seek is not by 'checking out' into the realms of the imagination but by fully engaging themselves in the present moment" (338).
"We have sometimes called the Nine the crown of the Enneagram because it is at the top of the symbol and because it seems to include the whole of it. Nines can have the strength of Eights, the sense of fun and adventure of Sevens, the dutifulness of Sixes, the intellectualism of Fives, the creativity of Fours, the attractiveness of Threes, the generosity of Twos, and the idealism of Ones. However, what they generally do not have is a sense of really inhabiting themselves--a strong sense of their own identity.
"Ironically, therefore, the only type the Nine is not like is the Nine itself" (316).
The Comfort Seeker--"They become increasingly attracted to minor rewards as compensation for not being able to pursue real desires--but always with some repressed underlying anxiety about not attending to their real needs" (320).
"Beginning in the average Levels, Nines experience the temptation to be overly accommodating to others because they fear that if they get into conflicts with people, they will lose their connection with them" (322).
The Social Role--Nobody Special--"Average Nines begin to create a particular Social Role by seeing themselves as Nobody Special, the modest person who is content to stay in the background and not cause any inconvenience to others...They feel that their presence, opinions, and involvement do not really matter and are of no particular consequence. As confining as this is from one point of view, Nines find comfort n this self-definition--it allows them to minimize their own hopes and expectations so that they will not be frustrated or feel rejected, angry, or disappointed.....
"Identifying themselves as Nobody Special also offers Nines a certain camouflage, an ability to blend into the background where they will not be intruded on. Their social role also gives them the hope that if they do not take care of themselves, others will see their self-effacing humility and rush to their side....
"Left unchecked, the Nobody Special role can leave Nines with limited energy and little confidence in their ability to cope in life. They become depressed, easily fatigued, and need frequent naps and many hours of sleep. Taking any positive action for themselves becomes more and more difficult" (325).
Immediately below--"I'm Worth It--Make a list of the things in your life that excite you. Don't edit yourself. What kind of person would you be if you could? What steps could you take today to become more like that person? This week? This year?" (325).
Sloth and Self-Forgetting--"Sloth in Nines has to do with not wanting to be internally engaged with what they are doing. They are not necessarily lazy about doing ordinary daily things--on the contrary, they might be extremely busy at work or running a business or a household. Their sloth is internal, a spiritual sloth that makes them not want to be deeply touched or affected by reality. They do not want to show up in their lives in an active, self-initiating way. the result is that even average Nines go on automatic pilot, so that life becomes less immediate and less threatening to them" (326).
"Despite the fact that they may be spiritual seekers, Nines often attempt to get the emotional and physiological benefits of inner work by doing the opposite of being present. They go to sleep, numbing themselves to what they really feel and tuning out reality while still expecting to function effortlessly in it" (326).
"[Their capacity for holding the other--not themselves] allows healthy Nines to be extraordinarily supportive of others. But the fundamental mistake Nines make is to believe that to stay connected with others, they must not be connected with themselves" (327).
"They putter around and run errands but postpone dealing with more critical problems. In this state, they do not understand why people get frustrated with thtem. They are not bothering anyone, so why should anyone be upset with them? What they do not see is how frustrating their lack of appropriate response can be for others. They do not see that they are laying the groundwork for a self-fulfilling prophecy: the disengagement of average-to-unhealthy Nines will eventually bring about the very thing they fear most--loss and separation from others" (327).
"It is important for Nines to understand that numbness is not relaxation. In fact, numbness depends on maintaining physical tension. When we are relaxed, we are deeply aware of our breathing, our body sensations, and our surroundings. Real peace has the quality of aliveness and energy and is not the flat detachment that we see here" (327).
"Appearances to the contrary, Nines are actually the most withdrawn of all the types, although because their withdrawal is not physical, this is not as obvious as it is with other types. Nines continue to participate while withdrawing their attention from an active engagement with the world. They seek to create and maintain an Inner Sanctum, a private place in their minds that no one can tamper with" (328).
Idealizing Others in Relationships--"Idealizing Nines are often attracted to stronger, more aggressive people, looking to them to supply the 'juice' in relationships....But there are three major dangers with this arrangement. First, Nines can be taken advantage of by these more assertive, independent, and aggressive types. Second, the more freewheeling, independent types will often lose interest in the more complacent and unadventurous Nines. Last, ad most important, as long as Nines are trying to fill themselves by merging with the vitality of another, it is unlikely that they will do the work necessary to recover their own vitality" (329).
"Nines may well know that their attention and energy are required for their own self-development, for addressing problems, or for meaningfully engaging with others. But they feel an indefinable hesitancy, as if some extraordinary effort were required to participate more fully in their own lives. It all seems like too much trouble" (331).
"While many Nines do not want to be changes or influenced by others, less healthy Nines also do not want to be affected by their own reactions to events. They feel that anything that could rock the boat is threatening. This includes not only negative emotions but, ironically, positive ones as well. Allowing themselves to get too excited about something can be as threatening to their emotional stability as a legitimate disaster" (331).
"Lower-average Nines seem not to have an aggressive (or even an assertive) bone in their bodies. Underneath their outward appearance of contentment and neutrality, however, we often fin da great deal of hidden anger and resentment that Nines do not want to acknowledge, much less deal with" (332).
"They feel unable to defend themselves appropriately, to speak up for themselves, or to take timely action to further their own interests. Feeling powerless is one of the most powerful causes of suppressed rage" (333).
"Nines become actualized and remain healthy by learning to recognize their own Essential value, like healthy Threes. In effect, they overcome their Social Role, Nobody Special, and recognize that they are worth their own time and energy. They work at developing themselves and their potential and put themselves out in the world, letting others know what they have to offer" (327).
"Integrating Nines will frequently encounter feelings of heaviness or sleepiness whenever they try to do something good for themselves. But as they integrate, they will find their energy increasing, and with it their charisma. After thinking of themselves as invisible for most of their lives, integrating Nines are amazed that others not only listen to them but in fact seek them out" (337).
"Ultimately Nines reclaim their Essential nature by confronting their Basic Fear of losing connection and by letting go of the belief that their participation in the world is unimportant--that they do not have to 'show up.' They realize that the only way to truly achieve the unity and wholeness they seek is not by 'checking out' into the realms of the imagination but by fully engaging themselves in the present moment" (338).
Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng
"But Moody did not think of himself as interesting enough to hold her attention in his own right. Had he been a different Richardson, it might have been different" (Chapter 3).
Sunday, April 1, 2018
The Road Back To You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile
"'Accepting oneself does not preclude an attempt to become better' observed Flannery O'Connor."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)