Between Us

 "Emotions are part and parcel of our social and cultural lives, and they are shaped by our cultures and communities. The differences in emotions go beyond merely superficial differences in manifestation--emotions not only look different; the differences pertain to the very constituent processes and the course of the emotion itself.

"But wait. Is it possible that people across cultures have different emotions? Doesn't the human body prepare us for emotions? It does and it doesn't. Our brains and bodies do not come pre-wired for certain emotions, but they do prepare us each to have emotions that maximally serve us in our respective social and material lives--emotions that are adjusted to our communities and cultures. Int he most up-to-date science, nature is no longer contrasted with nurture; it is equipped for nurture" (18). 

"Any community that provides a set of experiences, understandings of the world, relationship practices, moral sensitivities, and values and goals may shape the emotions we have as individuals. Different cohorts, different socioeconomic groups, different religions, different gender cultures, and even different family cultures may provide emotions with their meaning" (20).

"When people come to the conclusion that others have feelings just like them, that conclusion may stem from their own projections" (21). 

"Emotions--our own included--are as dependent on our cultures as our clothes, our language, and the foods we feed our children" (22). 

MINE model:

OURS model

"..a MINE model of emotions prevails in Western contexts. Having the emotions that are required by others or by the setting is thought to be demanding and unnatural in MINE contexts. It is quite the norm in contexts that favor an OURS model" (42-43). She gives the example of a Buddhist family who just found out their family member's illness was terminal. "Despite the general state of devastation, Sen's relatives 'crafted their emotions so that they could accept what happened... Sen's father and sister went to the temple to make offerings every morning. His sister, brother, relatives, and friends, at least at first, for the most part, displayed what seemed to be blank faces: faces that did not show emotion at all.' Cassanti assures us that the blank faces of Sen's friends and family neither meant that they were indifferent, nor that they just faked it for others' benefit. Instead, she writes, they were working towards a state that they felt to be appropriate--to accept what happened (tham jai) and to be calm (jai yen)" (43). Later she describes this as "they did what needed to be done, and their feelings mostly followed. The emotion was outside in" (45). 

"When an OURS model of emotions prevails, emotional acting is Situated: individuals accommodate to the social norms, expectations, and roles in their social context. What matters is whether your emotions match up to others' needs and expectations, whether you fit with the norms, and whether you fulfill your role" (45). 

Ifaluk- Micronesian island in southwest Pacific-fago- mix of compassion, love, and sadness

"A final reflection on the terms emotional expression and emotional suppression is that they may themselves be suggestive of a MINE model of emotions. They imply that there is a deep inner feeling that wants to come out, or alternatively, has to be actively suppressed. Expression and suppression privilege a view of emotions as inside the person, and naturally wanting to come out. When emotions are conceived of as acts between people, rather than feelings within, then no 'expression' is naturally privileged over another. There is no essence to be expressed. There is no reason to assume that any emotional act is more authentic, or to the contrary, less. There is also no reason to think it is unnatural to meet social expectations. If emotions live between people, then why would yelling in anger be any more natural than Hiroto and Chiemi's accommodation to the expectations of their environments? Why would silently mourning by yourself be any more natural than wailing with the professional mourners?" (49)

"Consistently, where MINE models dominate, emotion suppression is both less frequent and more harmful to psychological and relational well-being than where OURS models dominate. When a culture's focus is inward, emotions are different from when it is outward" (50).

"There are several striking examples from research within Western Europe and the United States showing that emotions that are rewarded will become habitual. Temper tantrums occur more among children whose parents give in to their desires...." (53, emphasis mine).

"In a culture where happiness, success, and excitement are central goals, feeling good about yourself is indispensable" (56, emphasis mine). 

"[In Minangkabau and Taiwanese children cultures] Shame highlights your proper place in an unalienable social network, rather than focusing on rejection or isolation. It reminds you how to behave in the network, but it does not push you out....Shame strengthens the bonds between people, rather than reflecting a potential threat to them" (62).

"Implicit is the shame-sharing: the child's shameful behavior reflects badly on their parents and family... the bond between the child and the parent remains intact. It is not the mom rejecting the child, but the child and the mom jointly having to meet external demands. There is a basic alliance between the child and their parents (or relatives). This alliance makes for the wider impact of norm violations, but also means that shame is not nearly as threatening as it is in Western cultures" (63).

"Having shame is seen as a virtue: it reveals that you have a sense of social norms, and it will prevent you from violating these norms...[and] keeps you from misconduct that would have led to social exclusion" (63-64). 

"Becoming part of a culture means having certain kinds of emotions rather than others. Which kinds of emotions are foregrounded depends on the type of adult that is valued. In communities that foreground individual achievement, children need to feel good about themselves (pride). In communities that value obedience, or view the world as a dangerous place, children need to know fear. Communities focusing on propriety encourage shame. Inducing a given emotion is never good or bad in broad terms, but good or bad in a certain cultural context of community, depending on the goals of child-rearing. Beating and inducing fear, are not bad in general, but bad in a culture that values self-confident and self-propelled children. (White American middle-class families constitute one such context)" (81, emphases mine).